Hi Phenix- To answer your original questions as to how/why he can be so cold and cavalier towards you yet so jolly around everyone else?
It's gonna sting but bear with me here. It's because he's decided to leave all his problems behind and he see's YOU as "all" of them.
In my experience, I saw cocky arrogance about the direction she had chosen to leave. She saw divorce as the solution to all the problems. To wit, I (and anything associated with me) was the problem.
And here's the catch and why you need to work on you. At some point, he'll realize that all his problems DID NOT go away when he left you behind. In fact, when many actually get worse, he'll see things differently. He also may not. Some people will never get it.
So, regardless of the outcome, whether your marriage can be saved or not, you must prepare YOU for the possibility he will turn back toward you and be strong enough (and improved enough) to make the decision whether you have (hold on for this part) OUTGROWN HIM and now decide that YOU have left him behind.
This is about your future; being the best Phenix EVER and for no one's sake but your own. It is only from THAT position that you can make clear decisions about what (and perhaps who) is healthy for YOUR future and happiness.
I hope that makes sense.
All the things on Sandi's list may appear tactical. But if you really look at them from where you will be in 2-24 months, you'll find that they speak the truth about relationships.
Think back to when you were dating and imagine you had decided a BF was not right for you. These were your reasons at the time. If the BF had done any of the things Sandi advises against, would your perspective of the ex-BF gotten better or worse?
Think. Adapt. Improve.
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you