WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

Had a good "meeting" with my W tonight... as good as discussing the dissolution of your marriage can be I guess. We talked about telling the kids and getting ourselves on the same page. I appreciated that she had considered my points from the other night and was now willing to keep the word "divorce" out of the conversation. Oddly enough though... I had come 180 to feel that it was ok to do this. That let's just be honest. Tell them what we know. So we have agreed on the following:

- We are getting a divorce because the two of us are not able to be married to anyone right now (that's the older kids' reason). That we still love each other, but not in a romantic/husband/wife sense. Instead it's as friends who care about one another.

- For S it is that mommy and daddy still love each other, but it's a friend love not a husband and wife love. But that we have mommy and daddy love for him, and nothing can ever change mommy and daddy love. Things can change husband and wife love.

- We are going to read a book we bought for S first and use that to jump into the discussion.

- We are going to tell them that we don't know when the divorce will happen, but it will probably be before summer.

- That they will move at some point, probably before school ends. That they will be able to be part of the process in seeing a new house if they wish.

- For SS/SD. I love you very much and want to remain in your lives, but I realize that mom and dad have to take priority. I will be with you guys when mom works. If mom has to work overnights you will have a sleepover at my house. At least once a month all of us (SS, SD, and S) will spend a day together (and then W said it was ok to tell them that at times all five of us would do stuff together). That I'll come to your sports games, still coach your teams, and so on.

- That SS can join my volunteer group if he still wants to (he asked again last night if he could join this weekend, but he's not eligible until 21 JAN).

- That our dog will live with me. If I come over to W's house for the kids I can bring him with. Kids can come see him whenever. W will dogsit when I travel.

- and we created a "safe word" that we will use in the case that one of us is answering a question and going down a road that the other is not comfortable with. Then we will stop the answer, tell the kids we will answer them but we need to make sure we are on the same page, and then get back to them a little later.

One ironic moment was when my W asked me if I would be able to keep it together when we're telling them about the divorce. It's ironic because I was very calm, collected, and matter-of-face. She was the one with tears running down her cheeks, her voice breaking, and doing a quiet, stifled sob as we talked.

Then we moved on to divorce stuff. I did a lot of listening. It went very well. We agree on the house. I was worried about the vehicles (mine is underwater and her's has major equity), but she agreed that I was being incredibly fair with everything and felt we should share the vehicle equity. Really the only minor contention came in discussing the assets of the house. I had to stop myself again and force myself to listen. What I could hear was that she loves cooking and loves our cookware. She probably can't afford that nice a set on her own. You know what? Take it. It's cookware for goodness sake. Take it. You will feed four people every day... take it and do good things with it.

Once I just let her have that the rest went really, really well. We agreed on child support/alimony and doing it outside our state's obnoxious trust fund system. Oddly enough she stated that she really does trust me to do what's best for my son and her kids.

So yeah... it went good... could've been much, much, much worse. And before anyone beats me up for my W and I saying we still love each other, it was she who suggested that we say this. I was using words like "care about" or "are concerned for". She said, "why don't we just tell them we love each other? We do. I still love you. If you still love me then let's just say that. It's a different kind of love, but I do still love you."

I don't know what that means... but it came unrequested from her. And it's better than I hate you I guess

The whole night before our "meeting" was so normal in our house. We had dinner as a family. W complimented me on the stew I'd made (it was a new recipe I was trying). Afterwards kids played games with me while W folded the laundry. Then SD and S started playing "house" and "fashion show" and they were hilarious. We were all laughing. S was a card tonight... and all night I kept seeing my W look at me to share the moment when he did something funny. It was all just so normal... and that made it even more strange feeling knowing what's coming...