Our anniversary is this Sunday... and he's going to his friend's house to check out the possible space he moving into. Very clear message: that day means nothing to him and he doesn't consider my feelings anymore.
I can understand this very well. It's my BD today and it's come and gone already in Afghanistan. P didn't contact me.
But I think stuff like this helps us detach, no? It does for me anyways. Not today, but tomorrow it will sink in.
111- Sorry he missed your b-day, that had to hurt a lot. (btw, my S5 b-day is 1.11, thought that was an interesting connection)
The crazy thing is that Sunday is normally my day without the kids, and now I have to watch them so he can't check out his bachelor pad. I know I know this is being a doormat- I haven't found a way to discuss it with him so that I'm not confronting, not controlling and not seeming like I'm trying to convince him not to do it- all of which would make him more motivated to move out.
It's a fine line that DB makes us walk down sometimes.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
First thank you for posting on my thread. I just read through yours and, as what seems to be often the case, the similarities are amazing. I feel your pain and frustration. I'm sorry you, me and the rest of us are going through this. Logic is out the window, irrationality is in.
The apparent lack of consideration of the kids is amazing to me. I usually get a response something like, "I know it will hurt, but not that bad if we show them a united front" And her tone and demeanor are so cavalier it amazes me. I'm shouting and crying inside, "there is absolutely no excuse for them have any pain at all caused by us!" But she is avoiding any thought like that. It sounds like your H is the same.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. It is just so unfortunate that we all run on different clocks. I believe so much that just by the virtue of responsibility of having kids, it should make all decisions focused in that area. In my case I think my W feels like she's been doing that for too long (and worried about me as well) and that it's time she's focused on herself. In her mind, and it seems that way with your husband, they think they are handling everything equally and justify all their decisions. I cannot tell if continually reminding them of the kids, and the hurt they will go through, gets through to them at all.
Since I've had a hard time understanding what self focus would like for me, I focus on the kids as much as I can. Maybe that helps you as well? I make sure any chance I can I'm there for them. Also here's another idea: my computer background changes every half hour with a different picture of them from our vacation last year. She sees it every time she walks in. I don't think that reminder can hurt the situation a bit.
Purg - I am sorry he didn't ackknowledge you BD. Did you at least have a good time with your kids?
I agree with One11. My H was extremely selfish when he left home and even when he initially deployed. He called me from the base to say goodbye a few minutes before boarding. I was livid! We hadn't talk about the important things (and I wasn't talking about our M). There was no talk about who was going to pay the bills while he was away, military benefit information, will information - things that you normally discuss when a family member is being deployed. I wanted to discuss these things but he never answered my calls or emails. It wasn't until he was in Afghanistan for 5 months before he started calling and emailing me. I was dark so, I wasn't accepting any calls or responding to his email for 2 months after that.
Take care of yourself.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
SH- thanks for coming to my pity party. I am convinced more and more each day that he is going through a MLC. His actions and words are not of the man that I've known and loved for 9 years. He is so callous and cold with me (except on a few rare occasions) and I get the feeling he's uncomfortable acting like this but he somehow feels he has the right to be this way towards me? He is still affectionate and playful with the kids- in fact he will blatantly ignore me while he's playing with them, even if we're all in the same room. I just can't wrap my brain around why he would be doing this to them when he acts/claims that he adores them and wants to be with them everyday?! DU- thanks for dropping by (It was actually one11's BD today and she was sharing that her SO didn't acknowledge it in any way.) I know that my H is going through the normal deployment 'selfish' thinking. He's mentioned a few times that he's mad that he has to go and that life is going to suck for him over there for a year- I guess he expects me to sympathize with him? If we were still in our R, of course I would say/do all the comforting things that a W does to calm her H. But he doesn't want any part of that from me, so why the he!! does he vent to me? I really hope that H does a little more than call me from the plane when he leaves.... I might have to fly over there myself and kick his @ss if he doesn't at least let me and the boys take him to the airport!!
H has seemed more angry lately, especially since he came back from his vacation. It's only been 3 days, but this guy is not the same one that left 2 weeks ago with a smile and a hug for me. Accuracy posted this on another thread, and it gave me a little comfort... maybe it can help y'all too.
Often the WAS will get ANGRY when you start making positive changes or being nice. Why do they get angry?
1) They're very frustrated that they needed changes from you for so long that you wouldn't make. Now, you seem to just be able to make the changes -- why did you make them suffer for so long? Why did it have to get so bad before you'd do something for their benefit? Therefore, they're not mad about what you're doing *now*, although it feels that way, they're mad about what they had to endure in the context of the changes you're making.
2) The fact that you're making positive changes and trying to save the marriage sets some level of expectation that they should also change and work on the marriage. Even if you don't say this or don't imply it, it goes to MWD's points that you can change your relationship by changing yourself. If one person changes, the other must change in response. H will resent you for trying to make things better while he is not. That makes him feel badly about himself. There is nothing you can do about this, nor should you. He owns that. You should just be aware of it and not think that his anger indicates that you're not doing what you should.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
He is acting moody because he feels guilty. He knows he is not doing the right thing but he is in a crisis or breakdown or whatever and cant think straight. I know its counter intuitive but I believe you need to validate him moving out - tell him its okay its a good idea and let life teach him the reality of the sitch. Let him see you S5 cry for him. Let him explain to S5 the separate apartment.
i really think if he doesnt move out now he will spend his entire deployment cursing you for "forcing" him to stay in the home.
Trust me I know him leaving is terrible for your kids but at this point in our stories we are causing the kids pain for months hoping to prevent years of pain. We need to do our best to think of this in a more long tern solution sense then solving it this month or next month.
We can not make our H see the light. We can not make them see the pain they are unnecessarily inflicting. Life will show them that. He is in a crisis and he needs to let it play out.
Accuracy is right on - H resents you for trying to make things better while he is not and it makes him feel bad about himself. he needs to see that it is him & not you.
Keep on DBing. You can do it
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Hey Purgatory, I'll jump in on the pity party too (seems a good night for it).
On my bday, the W yelled at me and told me our move was 'all about me and how selfish I was (took a job after 15 months of unemployment - moved family. took the best of 3 job offers - best pay & offered relocation. She said she supported it).
Spent father's day and anniversary alone as she left for the summer with the kids.
Your note from Accuracy along with BlynMom are a good reminder. Stuff I know in my head and just need to work on feeling it in my heart. Can't define ourselves by their choices.
Hope you all have a good weekend.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Bkln- I really needed the reality check! I think I *knew* all of that, but I needed to keep reminding myself so that my heart can start to follow. I think a lot of DB concepts are counter-intuitive.... but we need to be conscience of our instincts and do the opposite, because after-all, isn't that how we all got here in the first place? Following our 'instincts' in the M and that led to the break-up.
ces67- I've read your sitch a little and I can only imagine how hard it is to know that she's not in the M anymore, but wants to stay 'together' for the kids. It must have been awful to be alone on on those special days and get yelled at on your birthday. It amazes me sometimes how cruel our WAS can be. They seem to feel justified. I think that if most of us were asked: "would you take your spouse back right now, just they way they are?", we would say no. Because why would any of us want to be in an R with so much negativity. But I also know that all of here are *here* because we know that this 'alien' is not our spouses authentic self and we are all waiting for the *real* them to be returned us.
**just some thoughts that need to get out of my head**
On Thursdays, I have my 'night off' from the kids. This also includes no night time baby duty. So I sleep in the guest room, and H sleeps in my room (the baby sleeps in there too because of health issues). I always put on a little extra perfume before crawling into his bed, hopefully it gets into the sheets and pillows so he'll smell me when he gets back in that bed But when I get back into my bed on Friday nights, I can smell him in my sheets and pillows- it's a strange heartbreak and comfort to know that he was so close to where I am laying, almost like he's sleeping next to me.
H goes out on Friday nights, and sometimes doesn't come home. Well last night, he made a point of telling me his plans and that I should leave the back door unlocked for him (we have a chain on the front door and the back door is well hidden) He was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie (def. not club/bar attire) He lingered with me on the couch before he left and even showed me a few things on the internet that he thought I would find funny... Then he slowly walked to the door and said 'good-bye' with sad puppy eyes. I simply smiled back and said 'have fun' while I quickly turned my attention back to my laptop. THIS WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO DO!! All I wanted to do was say: "stay with me. let's hang out"
Does anyone else have a hard time not having sexual desires for their WAS? I may be stepping into a dangerous topic.... my H walks around the house in his boxers, or just sweatpants- not all the time. [he's a power lifter. and he's been working out at the gym for 3 hours everyday since the bomb. I used to think he was getting ripped for another woman, but I cave come to accept that they gym is his sanctuary and he enjoys the company there] but the side effect is that he is SO HOT! and I can't have him.... it's not fair!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg, I think you're right on about the "alien" part and doing things that are counter-intuitive. Thanks for the reminder.
You're not alone on the attraction thing either so hang in there. We've lost all aspects of intimacy with our WAS and that can't help but leave a void.
I've always thought my wife was beautiful even when she struggled with her weight. Since our move and the bomb, she has dropped 60lbs, wears much tighter clothes and looks more fantastic than ever...and I'm not alloweed to touch her. To say its difficult is an tremendous understatement.
It often seems like a punishment from the "alien".
I'm sorry for your sitch and feel for you. You're right, its not fair, but this WAS isn't interested in fair and that's just the reality of it. Be good to yourself and as hard as it is, find things to keep yourself busy and developing as your own person.
Since it is somewhat of a dangerous topic, I'll also say, be careful. The combination of loneliness and the lack of fairness can mess with your mind. Instead of wanting to save your M, you'll be tempted to say you deserve this love and may start looking elsewhere yourself. You're human and its not wrong to have these feelings. Just be aware and check yourself on what it is you really want.
You're stronger than you think you are.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
(It was actually one11's BD today and she was sharing that her SO didn't acknowledge it in any way.) I know that my H is going through the normal deployment 'selfish' thinking. He's mentioned a few times that he's mad that he has to go and that life is going to suck for him over there for a year- I guess he expects me to sympathize with him? If we were still in our R, of course I would say/do all the comforting things that a W does to calm her H. But he doesn't want any part of that from me, so why the he!! does he vent to me? I really hope that H does a little more than call me from the plane when he leaves.... I might have to fly over there myself and kick his @ss if he doesn't at least let me and the boys take him to the airport!!