Adventures in GALing

[AntoniaB]

Well, look what difference a few days makes. It has been a terrible, awful few days and for goodness sake I hope that I'm coming out of this.

I've only just now gotten my internet back after 3 days of no service, and that's caused me enormous anxiety as I have become hugely dependent on being able to email and post as my lifeline to people. I knew I was addicted, just not this bad. I have not felt well all week and been going through migraines the likes of which I've never experienced and very painful tension headaches that are as bad as the migraines. It's likely that the ambien I was taking for my insomnia is responsible for the headaches, accd to my doctor, and so I've been flushing my system, but the pain is at this point, anxiety-related, in that I cannot relax my neck and shoulders and it's cutting off the blood flow to the back of my head. My head is cold to the touch. When I focus really hard and talk out loud to myself to say "Stop it Antonia, you will beat this" and that sort of thing, I can lessen the pain and the blood rushes to my scalp, making it hot. But I can't pull this off for more than maybe a minute at a time.

I have put a lot of thought into figuring out what's wrong and I believe I've come to some conclusions...my perfectionism is out of control, worse than it was when I was married. I have become more obsessed with goal-setting (and keeping and beating myself up if I don't meet terribly unrealistic expectations) than when I was with XH.

I also think a big part of my writing this book was done to "prove" something to him, and frankly, on some level, however small, I've been wanting him STILL to notice me and "choose" me over the OW. I feel like my book is part of that. As much as I wrote it for me or for professional reasons, I was also STILL trying to impress him. I can't take this back now. And I'm angry at myself for doing this.

I'm angry at myself for not being finished with it in the 8 month sabbatical and for squandering time off trying to "get over" XH or walking around in depression or fog and putting myself in the position where I have this to do on top of teach.

I'm angry at myself for not getting healthier during my sabbatical, for not ever learning how to relax or enjoy any time off, and for actually making my own health worse during the time off with very poor eating habits and no exercise.

I set the terribly unrealistic goal in my head that I'd be "over" XH by the time my sabbatical was over. Guess what? I'm not. Some days I feel like it's still day one post-bomb. And now I'm upset that I didn't meet my own unrealistic goals.

I think because I'm a teacher that I've always been able to bring certain parts of my life to a close at the ends of semesters, and anymore, NOTHING is ever closed or finished, it seems. Every responsibility I have just keeps on being a responsibility: house, cats, research, my feelings about XH and the end of the marriage, etc.

I feel like I never get a break, and it's because I have completely lost the ability to relax or take a break and REALLY just let go. I have realized that I was very able to relax with XH in my life and maybe that's because he took on the worry or responsibility for me. Any time I felt sick, he made me feel better. The one thing that sends me spiralling incredibly fast off the ledge into depression is my not feeling well. It scares me how mentally messed up I get the minute I don't feel well, and then I get mad at myself for not being able to control it, and it makes a vicious cycle.

I feel completely capable of handling my life, as long as I feel physically ok. The minute I don't, I go right back to the little scared girl I was right after the bomb. Then I get angry at myself that I've let that "girl" take control, and this battle ensues in my head between the new person I am trying to be and the weak person I was. Then I start to think about people who have it "worse", and then I feel guilty for being such a baby.

Overall, this problem in me is "bigger" than the failure of my marriage. This problem is deep in me and has been with me since I was a very little kid. I am horrifically self-critical and perfectionistic and it's taking its toll. I have had such anxiety about going back to teaching after 8 months not doing it that I have made myself terribly sick over it, and there's nothing WRONG with having nerves about this, but me showing nerves or vulnerability is not part of my concept of perfection that I like to show the world, so I internalize it to the point where it gives me tremendous anxiety and physical symptoms.

I don't know how to fix it. Logically I know that I have to stop being so hard on myself for EVERYTHING. I'm driving myself to the point of mental exhaustion. But I don't know how to break this. This is the most ingrained behavior in me. It's more ingrained than being pampered by XH was, and I thought that was my biggest battle.

So this is now the battle and while it relates to XH and his acts, which I probably still blame myself for, it's bigger than my rel. with him. It's all bound up in my rel. with myself. I do not know how to stop being so self-critical and perfectionistic and just let go.

Do I need to do hypnosis or something? How do you break something that IS your core personality?