Our story

[kolja]

It makes sense to me NOW that you've helped me get a better appreciation of it from her end.

I think in addition to the desire to spare us both the experience, I feel like there might be some of the impulse that most people have of not wanting to see someone they love make a choice that's just going to wind up hurting THEM. I feel like she IS in for a rude awakening, and while intellectually I knew it was probably something she'd have to learn on her own, in this instance I wasn't able to supress the imulse to try to spare her from it. But I can see now how it comes off as MORE condescension, more arguing, and more stonewalling something she currently sees as the only way for her to be happy again. It's also been helpful that in another thread I read, someone linked to a post from a long time ago by a walk-away-wife who explained things from THEIR prospective, and some of the reasons they're still SO angry at the left-behind-husband.

Today was one of the harder days I've had in a while - not because of any contact from her (I haven't had any so far, and I don't actually expect any... which is fine - it's been a long week and I look forward to a quiet and restful Friday night). It was hard because the obviously much needed introspection after yours and 25mlc's posts has not been all that pleasant - I really CAN be quite an unintentional jerk - and not just to her. Earlier today I was reminded of a quote I read a long time ago from a humorist (whose name escapes me) who was parodying Nietzche: "I looked into the abyss. The abyss looked back. Neither of us liked what we saw." It hasn't done wonders for my optomism for our long term future - of course I know there's a very real chance there may be no saving my marriage but it's nice to still think there's hope. It's just been hard to feel that hope last night and today - but of course, I know that's part of the experience too.

But, I've started to try and apply better habits in how I relate to everyone I come across in my daily life. It's doubly hard here, where most everyone's a type A personality and moreover we're all instructors and we're hard wired to make sure people get what we try to teach - but like 25mlc said from the perspective of her experience, that doesn't mean I have to take that home with me. I suppose the good news is that if I can suppress those impulses HERE, I ought to be able to do it ANYWHERE!

I'm especially grateful for your example of a better way to address her proposed settlement. It's very helpful in applying what you, 25mlc and my coach have been telling me the last couple days. I have a pretty solid idea of how I'm going to approach the next couple settlement-related conversations she initiates (and in the meantime, when it comes to her, I'm not speaking til spoken to...)