WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[25yearsmlc]

I have been very busy with a lot of family things this past week and this is my first time back on here. I will respond when I have another free minute.

However my W emailed me and we are setting up a meeting to talk through what is going on currently. I am trying to make heads or tails of it and would like some opinions. Now she has told me in the past that she wanted to set something up like this and I have told her to pick a time and I will show up. Also I did not want to do this the past two weeks with it being the holidays.

Here is her email to me

I also wanted to write you because for some reason we simply can not figure out how to communicate. I know I have asked a few times to set aside time to meet without the kids to discuss the finances and separation stuff, but it doesn't seem to happen. And frankly I get annoyed feeling like I even have to schedule it. I honestly don't know how to do this and how to talk to you. I don't know how to be friend - because we clearly aren't doing a good job at that and I really don't know what to do or say about it.


I see no mystery here. She wants to talk about at least some details on what is coming. Change is coming and she cares about how the kids are affected and you and she. Nothing weird about her NOT having her head in the sand.

you don't have to finalize things or DECIDE to be married or divorced. That is NOT what she is asking for.



I know you want things to work out and for us to be a family again and I still have no idea where I am on that. You also know I am just in a weird place myself - or however you want to put it, and I can't tell you where I am or what I want. I want the kids to be happy, I want us to be able to communicate - because we kinda need that to work out - but beyond that I just don't know.

I get total honesty from her on this. It's confusing b/c she is confused. You are lucky, imo, that she's open at all to making things work.

This ^^^contains HOPE that you will change enough to make things work, but your pride is blinding you to that. How sad!


Nor can I tell you to keep hanging on or waiting. That is a personal decision you need to make for yourself when you are ready to.

She is Not testing you, at least not overtly -but I think how you react now will be THE most important factor in the future of your m...and my God, she's being SO FAIR and respectful to you here. Do you not see this??....


I just know there are things we need to discuss - that we haven't been able to, that has to get addressed one way or another.

totally reasonable!!! ^^^^ and she's doing NO BLAMING here, not making it your fault that the talks don't happen but judging by your reaction I'm guessing it probably is you stalling or freaking....Just make sure you don't blame either.


Some friends I have spoken to think she wants me to drop the axe on us and alleviate the guilt from her.

Really? Well, pardon me but those friends are morons...drop the axe on them. Sheesh!

IMO- She sounds sincere, OPEN to reconciliation, OPEN to real discussion

and maturely wants to figure out, at a minimum, the logistics of what is going to happen. What is wrong with that?

Can you do that or not? IF NOT, then get a mc to mediate the basics only.

NOT to fix the marriage (unless you find a great mc)

but to handle the immediate needs.

But I'd hope you could demonstrate the NEW YOU in conflict resolution, instead of having to hire a 3rd party to work out things that ALL couples have to work out....I mean most of this stuff is normal life stuff with some snafus for the logisitics of separation. But as a military family with deployments, we had these talks all the time. Try to look at it that way if you must.

"how are we paying our bills this month? Where are you staying/and the kids/me?" "How much will I need to earn/contribute?? Which debts are our priorities?

What about utilities, your income, me getting a raise? A new job?"

these are things ALL couples must discuss....

in your sitch they are more delicate -

but her note to you is peaceful and mature and open ended and HOPEFUL....


BUT somehow, you think she's dropping an axe on you?

Where'd you get THAT in THIS LETTER??? What part did I miss? Really though

How CAN she talk to you, if THAT is how YOU see things? Your spin on this note is so off putting and weirdly defensive and paranoid,

I'm sorry to hit you so hard with this 2 x 4 but you have a real chance here...don't blow it!/u]
[u]
Show her you are a calm reasonable man, who is in control of HIS own emotions WHILE Not trying to control others',

and you are NOT a punitive or angry man, but an uber sensitive & responsible parent AND PARTNER....


Discuss things by LISTENING to her first and foremost. Then recap what she said so you know you are not mistranslating.

Do not read into things, take her words at face value. Hear what she says, NOT what you fear she means... You can always ask her to clarify.

You are in the "reconnaissance" phase of it, so gather data from her so you can decipher her priorities. HER need to feel secure and safe and, hopefully, valued and loved...by YOU.

Your ultimate goal is to figure out ways to meet those needs INSIDE the marriage, right?

But for now, again, you are just gathering data and reassuring her of your motivation--wanting what is best for HER and the family and you...like SHE does

and make sure you act as if you assume the same of her. (I believe that anyhow, but even if I didn't, it does NOT help to accuse her of being selfish or a bad mother, etc)--

DB 101, do what helps and do NOT do what hurts the marriage...

and if you are NOT ready to decide something, then say "I need time to process that and reflect on it" But pick your battles wisely.

If she wants to have the kids at 7pm on wednesdays and you'd prefer 7:30, ask yourself how you want to appear at this stage of things. Cooperative or stubborn and mean? Angry or contrite?

are you making that brave inward journey, and trying to see things from HER point of view (and reflecting that w/your behavior)

OR are you

"teaching her a lesson!"??

And please do NOT set up expectations about resolving all things in one marathon. Too many things to decide that need pondering. She may say something that seems extreme to you but don't react that way. Tell her you were NOT ready for that to occur and need time to reflect. No outright "NO" answers for now. Nothing is being signed or written in cement anyhow so don't get too worked up about figuring out details that really do need decisions.


so don't expect to resolve all things in one discussion. Set up the first talk to decide what it is specifically that needs addressing. Maybe set a few items for the agenda (not necessarily with those words) but keep it simple at first. 3-5 things max...

I'd limit that first talk to a max of one hour. Tell her ahead of time you only have one hour BUT you'll pick it up later. It's not that work is more important

but that you think it'll be better that way so no one gets defensive, too tired, or gets overwhelmed. You want this to be productive after all. So you will commit to resolving the basics by a given date...(2 weeks? 3? Don't stall too much or it'll look like stalling). This shows smart priorities and a mature level of expectation AND leadership...which she needs a lot from you.

You lacked it with your family...so show it to her now. In a smart loving strong way. Be your best self now.



Make sense?

So this means you can have 2-4 opportunities to show her the new improved you. The confident strong YOU...the man who'll provide for his family just fine thank you, AND be moving on to a new good life...

What will that look like? Who will that sound like? Figure out who you want to become and be that man ASAP...a man only a fool would leave.

As for OM....Remember my post to you of the 29th? Re read that before you meet with her for ANYTHING...

SO have you figured out how to [b]be a man only a fool would leave, without overtly pressuring here? No pressure needed b/c After all,

if you show your changes, then she is the fool who loses


[/b]



okay? Does this feel authentic for you?


Good luck