Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

SH- thanks for coming to my pity party. I am convinced more and more each day that he is going through a MLC. His actions and words are not of the man that I've known and loved for 9 years. He is so callous and cold with me (except on a few rare occasions) and I get the feeling he's uncomfortable acting like this but he somehow feels he has the right to be this way towards me? He is still affectionate and playful with the kids- in fact he will blatantly ignore me while he's playing with them, even if we're all in the same room. I just can't wrap my brain around why he would be doing this to them when he acts/claims that he adores them and wants to be with them everyday?!
DU- thanks for dropping by (It was actually one11's BD today and she was sharing that her SO didn't acknowledge it in any way.) I know that my H is going through the normal deployment 'selfish' thinking. He's mentioned a few times that he's mad that he has to go and that life is going to suck for him over there for a year- I guess he expects me to sympathize with him? If we were still in our R, of course I would say/do all the comforting things that a W does to calm her H. But he doesn't want any part of that from me, so why the he!! does he vent to me? I really hope that H does a little more than call me from the plane when he leaves.... I might have to fly over there myself and kick his @ss if he doesn't at least let me and the boys take him to the airport!!

H has seemed more angry lately, especially since he came back from his vacation. It's only been 3 days, but this guy is not the same one that left 2 weeks ago with a smile and a hug for me. Accuracy posted this on another thread, and it gave me a little comfort... maybe it can help y'all too.

Often the WAS will get ANGRY when you start making positive changes or being nice. Why do they get angry?

1) They're very frustrated that they needed changes from you for so long that you wouldn't make. Now, you seem to just be able to make the changes -- why did you make them suffer for so long? Why did it have to get so bad before you'd do something for their benefit? Therefore, they're not mad about what you're doing *now*, although it feels that way, they're mad about what they had to endure in the context of the changes you're making.

2) The fact that you're making positive changes and trying to save the marriage sets some level of expectation that they should also change and work on the marriage. Even if you don't say this or don't imply it, it goes to MWD's points that you can change your relationship by changing yourself. If one person changes, the other must change in response. H will resent you for trying to make things better while he is not. That makes him feel badly about himself. There is nothing you can do about this, nor should you. He owns that. You should just be aware of it and not think that his anger indicates that you're not doing what you should.