It's very helpful, and certainly quite enlightening. I'm very glad you've taken the time to explain it. Definitely plenty to chew between now and the next time she has something to say!
As you've suggested, some of the best things you can do to become aware of your habit of "solving" things per your world view (at the expense of hearing your W) are:
1) Simply listen to her and invite her to say more with nods, yes's, I see, oh I get that, totally, exactly, tell me more about XXXX or about what you mean XXXX ; whatever fits your personality and what she is telling you).
2) Echo/mirror/restate what she said to you (partly to be sure you are getting what she means, partly to communicate that you are actively listening to her).
3) Take an extra 1-2 seconds before responding to be sure you aren't responding in a way to "fix" or "solve" something or to oppose what she has said or argue for a "better" or "right" way. It IS possible to disagree with her without invalidating her.
WAS: I want you to give me $2000/month as your settlement. Are you going to do that or do I need to get my lawyer and take you to the cleaners for more?
LBS: W, I get that you want that much per month and that you want to move forward with things. I've looked at my finances and that settlement wouldn't work for me. I would rather have my lawyer handle all the money stuff directly with your lawyer, so you and I don't get drawn into bickering. It's important to me that we end things fairly and amicably.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
