Lola your post really helped me this morning. Early mornings when I wake up without the comfort of being close to my wife who asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago, but agreed to a 3 month separation after 17 years of marriage and 2 daughters (6 and 9). Anyway, the insights on detachment doesn't mean you're giving up, but only letting go of the pain were on the mark for me. My wife isn't dealing with her issues right now, but wants to date. She is definitely in midlife crises at age 48 and I've been monitoring that forum too. So I have to move on with my life and take care of myself while being there for her, but I can see right now she is trying to keep from dealing with her issues and has only agreed to see our marriage therapist to "talk about how to work with our children," even though she verbalizes that she needs to work on her issues before she can be in any kind of healthy relationship with me or anyone else. In her mind she's already moved on and doesn't give our marriage more than a .1% chance of survival. She's actually re-writing history in her mind and writing out all the good things we had together while focusing only on the bad things. She says she wants to be friends and we will continue to meet once a week and talk about children, bills, etc. I'm giving her all the space and not pushing even though it hurts, I know she needs to do her own thing and explore and experiment without me. I'm praying that the next 3 months she agreed to therapist 2 sessions alone for her and 2 sessions alone for me and then 1 session together will begin to result in her seeing she needs to work on her issues too. I've been working hard on my issues and she wrote me a response letter to the one I wrote this week telling her about my goals and the positive changes I'm going to make regardless of what happens to our marriage. She says she is so proud of me (that's a start), but she also doesn't see herself in the picture with me. That's where I have to practice the kind of healthy detachment you posted. Thanks. Jim B
That’s a great point jacksonbrown you mention about Detachment.
Buddha said, “Attachment is the root of all suffering.” What we have to understand as humans, is that nothing is permanent. Which begs the question, why do we get married and take the vows of “until death do we part.” But also what I’m realizing, because I think I’m in a similar situation as you. My wife is separating from me, and we have a three year old daughter. I definitely think she’s going through a midlife crisis. It’s sort of funny, because she accused me of having one two years ago, but my crises wasn’t because I wanted to start dating anyone, I just wanted to improve my health and outlook on life. I’m glad you mentioned watching the midlife crises page, I’ll start doing the same.
One other important point about this whole process that we have to understand. Doing the DB work builds the ability to love unconditionally. I realized, that I will love my wife even if she decides to divorce me, even if she remarries, and moves on with her life. I still have small pangs of resentment, but those only come at night when I’m lying in bed and my mind is tired—so I’m getting better. We are all getting better. I wish you the best with everything, and hope things work out for your marriage, especially for your two children.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
