On Wednesday 01/4/12 W signed her six month lease, and started packing stuff up that night. She loaded up her car with about half of her clothes and dropped them off at her new place yesterday during lunch or after work. She also met with a divorce ATTY to help draw up a separation agreement. When she got home last night after dropping off stuff and meeting with the attorney she was in a really good mood. I had mixed feelings about that because my coach has told me to tell her I just want her to be happy. I do want her to be happy of course, but I’d like her to be happy with me.
Is it normal for the WAS to have this great show of happiness upon escaping what they currently see as an inoperable situation? Does anyone have any input on that? I suppose I could try to figure it out, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s much nicer to have Positive interactions with her instead of what I’ve been getting.
Since September, she’s basically been in sand-bag mode. Sand-bag mode involves no talking about anything normal couples would talk about—no sharing of feelings, no real sharing of anything other than facts. In the past, Sand-bag mode drove me crazy, since I came from a family of folks that talk about there feelings. But thanks to my coach, Chuck (Not sure if I can say that or not. I guess they’ll edit that out if I’m not supposed to mention his name, but I think he deserves some credit, because he’s helped me out a lot), I have been doing a much better job of just being nice, and not letting my feelings dictate my actions.
Wait and watch/Positive things: 1. Passed a test: she asked me to come in and meet with the ATTY to help draw up the separation agreement (I’m scared, see below). I was very cool and told her I was open to meeting with him whenever she wanted. (A part of me still says…It’s just a separation, it’s not divorce—we are just at separation. There’s still time to turn the ship around)
2. She sat down and watched a sit-com, and I sat down too and we shared some laughs, although I wasn’t making her laugh myself, we were still laughing in the same room.
3. This morning after I got dressed and walked into the kitchen, she said, “you have a flap up in the back, referring to one of my pockets.” Now I take pretty good care of myself, so I don’t know if she was checking me out, or what. However, I still found it to be a positive thing.
I fully admit that I’m scared of meeting with this Atty. I’m afraid it’s going to be similar to meeting with the useless therapists we met with in the past (good people with good intentions, just not helpful in the least). I’m afraid that I’m going to lose control of my confident and friendly demeanor and either start crying, or start lashing out.
I think the reason why marriage therapy doesn’t really work is because as a man you are locked into that comfy chair for 50 minutes (I think this is more difficult for men then women, and perhaps one of the reasons men don’t like marriage therapy). When you’re talking with the WAS at home, and you feel yourself starting to lose it, you can step out of the room, go for a walk, etc. etc. You can’t smoothly escape a therapist’s office.
So I’m still positive, and I’m still staying focused. I’m doing great at passing tests, and I know that I’m doing this for myself, and not just to get my wife back (I’m applying these principles in my every day life as well, even in traffic!) It’s very positive for me to think that I can become someone who never loses there temper. That’s a great skill that the most successful people exhibit.
Another question I have, when my wife moves out…I was thinking of moving the bedroom we used to have upstairs down to the first floor. I was also thinking of putting my clothes into the closet that she’s vacating. Long-story, but suffice to say—we have an old house, so closet space and storage space in general is somewhat limited. I’m just not too sure how these actions would be perceived by her. One of the forum posters said, “When in doubt, don’t do anything.” Perhaps I should just ask my wife. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading, I know my posts are sort of lengthy. But I’m very thankful to have this forum to journal on.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
