Together since we were 15.

[Jenna333]

Oh man. Please help.

Yesterday when he came to get the kids, he was making positive comments about all of my changes (big ones like going to school, and smaller ones like catching me dancing while sweeping the floor). We were flirting. I flirted right back. Not in a needy way. More in a spicy way, if that makes sense. While the kids were preoccupied, we started kissing. Right before we kissed, he asked me softly if I'd kissed anyone else yet, because he hadn't. Of course I haven't. He pulled back after a minute and said, "It's so hard to not care about you." I asked him if he meant it's hard to accept that he doesn't care about me, and he said no, that he meant he does care about me and that makes this hard. He feels love for me when we're close. We started messing around in the laundry room with the door shut. Just making out and touching. He stopped, looked me straight in the eye and said, "God I miss you." After a few minutes, I went outside to sit on the bench on my patio to get some fresh air and enjoy the uncharacteristically warm weather. He sat next to me, and when we went inside, he asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I missed him, then asked him what he was thinking. He said he missed me, too. Then he held my hand and pulled me into the kitchen, where he opened up to me. He said, "I know this separation is good for us, but I miss you so much, and look at how far you've come already." I told him to bring a bottle of wine with him when he dropped the kids off that night.

I was jumping for joy when they left! He trusted me enough to tell me something like that? That's huge, IMO. He brought the wine last night, and we were having such a good time that he ended up going out and getting us pizza. We ate and had wine and laughed and kissed. That devolved into us having sex. It was the most amazing sex we'd ever had. It would have been so much better if we'd said 'I love you' during, but I know we were both thinking it. We fell asleep in each other's arms. I was so shocked that he stayed the night. Not only that, but he cuddled me all night. It felt like a dream come true.

I woke him up at 5:30 so we could talk before the kids woke up. I asked him what we were doing. He said we were hanging out, remembering the good times. My heart dropped. I stupidly had expectations that he would be coming home because he stayed the night. He said calmly that that was a bit naive of me. It probably was. He said I can't expect him to come running back. That's how he phrases it. Running back. I told him I don't see it that way at all. I told him he sees that we could be amazing together now. He agreed. He even admitted that he is in fact still in love with me (!!!!). But he said we owe it to ourselves to have this time apart and grow as individuals. He said he doesn't know himself, and that came as a shock to him after he left because he felt confident in himself while we were together. I told him we could still grow as individuals while together. I know, I was pushing. He said we just need this time apart. I asked if we could remain separated but not see other people. He said we shouldn't put limitations on a growth period because it would defeat the purpose. He also said he isn't sure if it's repressed anger causing this feeling, but he said he still doesn't want to marry me He acknowledges that he's always been kind of against marriage. He said he thought I'd feel like an exception, though. That really hurts. He's in love with me, but is unsure about a future with me still.

It sounds like he's putting us to the test. He said, "We don't know what the future will bring, but it may well end up with us back together." That was a big thing for him to say.

My head is spinning. He said it felt so great to be with me, that he's so proud of me, and that he didn't expect to miss me this much. I feel more hopeful because he admitted to being in love with me, but I'm hurt about the marriage thing. He said he feels lost and needs to find his own happiness. I'm just so sad because I feel he could do that while we're together. It's like I'm feeling like he's just within arm's reach. I asked him if any part of him wants to come home. He said, "Yes. It's not something I don't think about. It's not far from my mind."

What should I do? I'm not sure if typical DBing would work for my situation. He misses me more while he's with me and experiences the changes in me (yes, even the way I've opened up to him sexually). I know we won't be sleeping together/kissing regularly.

I just don't know. It seems like now this separation is more to figure himself out now, because he's said he knows my changes are for real and that we'd be great together. I think seeing my changes has driven home for him the fact that he has things to change. He said he has a lot of anger (not completely about me) to let go if. He has to forgive.

I feel hopeless in a way. This isn't about me having to prove to myself and to him that I'm worthy of being his partner and having my own life/happiness. He gets that, and he still isn't coming back. This is about him finding himself. Who knows how long that will take, and who knows who he could meet in the meantime It feels so right for him to be here. So incredibly right.