Wife Left (Part 2)

[CO1978]

W came over to watch S last night. She said she had a migraine, I told her I had coffee made if she wanted some. I offered to get her some, but she said she would get it. (I noticed that when ever I offer to get something/ do something for her she still doesn't let me.)

I thanked her for watching S and letting me keep him, since it is really hard not seeing him. She said she wants him to sleep in his own bed as much as possible and this was his home and wanted to make it easiest as she can for him.

She agreed to meet with MC on the 18th of January. We talked about S for a little bit, then I told her to help herself to anything if she was hungry. I told her I would be back between 9:30 and 10:00 and left for my IC. My session went well. He told me to get a prescription for a sleep aid. Pretty much just told me to continue down the path I am headed. Nothing else really to say about the session.

Got done after 10, so I called W to tell her it ran late. When I told her she seemed mad, said she has work in morning (at 9:30). I apologized and said I'd get home as fast as I could. She said she was sorry for being upset, and it wasn't my fault. She said to drive safe, and not to worry about it. I said "Okay babe I'll see you when I get home then." Yeah I let a babe slip, but she didn't say anything about it. She just said yep I'll see you then, bye.

I got home she was on my computer still looking for cars to buy. I told her again sorry about the session running late, she said it was okay and it wasn't my fault (shouldn't have kept apologizing, just felt bad for being late). I thanked her for coming over and she left.

Now, she didn't say anything about it, and didn't seem upset about it, but on my computer I had left a couple "Naughty Pictures" of her open on my desktop, but minimized on the taskbar. I didn't think she would use my computer tonight since she had her computer working so didn't think anything of it. When I saw her on the computer the pictures where closed, so she knew I was looking at them. I mean c'mon, I am a guy and I can't help but being very attracted to her. I am not sure how that will play out.

Her mood seemed good all night besides her having the migraine and her little outburst for my session running late. I guess it was her turn to have an outburst at me for running late, even though it really didn't effect her at all. I noticed she has been a bit on edge with me a little more often, but when she has been, said she was sorry for it. She said it was from being sick still (as I mentioned in an earlier post), so I will think nothing of them.

[CO1978]

DB vets Need some help/Feedback please!!!
Ok, So I go back to MC in 13 days with W. I want to make sure I go in to this session as prepared as possible. While there I was thinking of saying something like:

I completely respect your decision to move out. I only hope that when you decide that you are ready for a relationship or to start dating you would consider giving me a chance to be the one you date.

When we first met we weren’t "in love". We started as 2 people who were mutually attracted to one another and found out we had a lot in common. We moved fast, maybe too fast by living together right away and never gave us a chance to just date.

A few months later we realized we fell in love with each other, and I don’t regret any of that. Nothing is so different now from 7 years ago. I am the same man you met then, only a better version.

What harm can it do if we started over from day one and see where it leads us? No pressure on anything else [no pressure on living together or being married], just us dating. I can pick you up, or we can meet out, or you can come to the house.

Now since I have 13 days I am looking for all the input on tweaks/changes to that statement I can get. Or, do I not even lay that on the table? I figure this session could be a game changer, no matter what is going on in her mind when we go in.

[labug]

I'm not a DB vet but I'll weigh in:

If she goes to counseling, sit back and listen. Let her take the lead. Learn what you can about what she's feeling and take the time to think about it. Your staetment above may scare her, alot.

[Crimson]

I would tend to agree with LA. I think that might be too much, too soon. That said, I can FULLY understand why you would want to say that - trust me, holy crap do I understand.

I think I that you can eventually glide into that conversation - but not all at once. No need to rush to a close. I pretty much figured out that there are no "magic" words that I can weave together that can clean the slate for me - no matter how well thought out or planned they may be. And believe me when I say I have been building the script in my head. Sadly, as the vets tell us - I think we just have to focus on actions. And in this case, your action of LISTENING in therapy may take you miles further down the road than talking. Counterintuitive, but I am learning that DB is basically the definition of counterintuitive.

Crimson

[Mach1]

I completely respect your decision to move out. I only hope that when you decide that you are ready for a relationship or to start dating you would consider giving me a chance to be the one you date.

When we first met we weren’t "in love". We started as 2 people who were mutually attracted to one another and found out we had a lot in common. We moved fast, maybe too fast by living together right away and never gave us a chance to just date.

A few months later we realized we fell in love with each other, and I don’t regret any of that. Nothing is so different now from 7 years ago. I am the same man you met then, only a better version.

What harm can it do if we started over from day one and see where it leads us? No pressure on anything else [no pressure on living together or being married], just us dating. I can pick you up, or we can meet out, or you can come to the house.

Now since I have 13 days I am looking for all the input on tweaks/changes to that statement I can get. Or, do I not even lay that on the table? I figure this session could be a game changer, no matter what is going on in her mind when we go in.

I would keep this to yourself for now.

You are placing an expectation on this, that isn't going to go well.

Pursuing
Bargaining
Clingy
Manipulative


It is still YOUR solution. for her.

CO, IF she is willing to go to MC, then I would reccomend that you go in with an open mind, and expecting nothing.

This is the time to validate her feelings and really listen to what she has been through.

And while what you wrote may be true, don't attempt to talk your way out of something you acted your way into.

SHOW her that you have grown, instead of telling her...

[CO1978]

Thanks for all the input, I guess I am just afraid of what will happen at MC. I wanted to be ready to tell her this incase she says the D word.

I never thought of it being as persuing, bargaining, clingy, and manipulative, but now that it is pointed out I see that.

[edgarb]

CO1978,

I think you've been given some good advice above. Just go with the flow. That's kind of what you've been doing this whole time, and you are making some progress, so don't change course now! As someone above said, DB is counterintuitive. It doesn't make sense from an emotional perspective. Maybe it's because acting with our emotions is what got a lot of us into this mess. I guess if that's the case, then continuing to act emotionally would be going down cheeseless tunnels as they say. I know you want to tell her the things above, and there may be a day that is the right time for it. I don't think it's your first session of MC though. Like the others have said, much better than I can, just listen to her and really hear what she has to say. My MC always would ask one of us to thank the other for sharing their emotions. He never said this, but I think the reason he wanted us to do that is so that your first verbal response is a positive one. It seemed to help me hold back from negative comments.

I also agree with the person who said to go into the MC with no expectations. It is what it is, and if you can SHOW your wife that you are a changed man, it will go a long way towards winning her back. Think about what you might normally do in a given situation and then do the opposite (within reason of course lol). Best of luck to you, I'm really pulling for you!

[Oneeleven]

I completely respect your decision to move out. I only hope that when you decide that you are ready for a relationship or to start dating you would consider giving me a chance to be the one you date.

When we first met we weren’t "in love". We started as 2 people who were mutually attracted to one another and found out we had a lot in common. We moved fast, maybe too fast by living together right away and never gave us a chance to just date.

A few months later we realized we fell in love with each other, and I don’t regret any of that. Nothing is so different now from 7 years ago. I am the same man you met then, only a better version.

What harm can it do if we started over from day one and see where it leads us? No pressure on anything else [no pressure on living together or being married], just us dating. I can pick you up, or we can meet out, or you can come to the house.

Now since I have 13 days I am looking for all the input on tweaks/changes to that statement I can get. Or, do I not even lay that on the table? I figure this session could be a game changer, no matter what is going on in her mind when we go in.

I would keep this to yourself for now.

You are placing an expectation on this, that isn't going to go well.

Pursuing
Bargaining
Clingy
Manipulative

I have to agree. These all sound like fantastic ideas, but I think that your point will come across if she comes to these conclusions herself, based from your actions.

[Oneeleven]

Sorry, I meant I agreed with Mach1. Still learning the ins and outs of the board

[workinghardguy]

A couple of things CO... first, go in expecting the D word. That's the worst that can happen right? So expect it and get ready for it. The D is not the end of this... you decide when you're done.

Second, go in with no expectations. Listen and validate. Don't interrupt, don't but in, don't refute. It is very likely you will walk away with an entirely different interpretation of what was said than your W will. You can't control that so don't bother.

Others have great advice about how it's pursuing and all that. But this one part of it:

Nothing is so different now from 7 years ago.

is also terribly invalidating. Nothing is that different than seven years ago? Maybe to you... but not to her. The difference is she feels she has spent the last seven years (or five or three or two... the point is some period of time) alone and in pain. And it's an aloneness and pain inflicted by YOU. This is not to say that's the absolute truth or reality... but it IS her reality and view, and that's all that really matter right now.

You are basically saying... "c'mon babe... the last seven years haven't been all that bad... why are you doing this?" And I'm fairly certain she's already told you that. This passage simply tells her you haven't listened.