BeingMe, Sometimes we need to cry to help us cleanse our hearths and souls in order to move a bit further along the path.
I firmly believe that your h is manipulating/controlling you in little ways. The hugs, kisses, etc., prior to departing for trips is to string you along. He may do this out of habbit and not thinking much about it.
Please understand that your could have jumped over fire, cut your arm off, etc., and it still wouldn't have been enough to keep him in the relationship the way he should be. You have been a wonderful wife, partner, etc., to him and it just isn't enough at this time. So, please do not doubt yourself w/the what ifs. Look at all of your accomplishments over the years and you will recognize that you have done a lot, not just for him, but the family and friends as well.
As for your memory issue, when he makes comments, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". You have defended yourself until pigs fly. It's not working, so do a different spin and just let him talk. When my xh would say things, I would say "whatever". He soon stop that nonsense. Yes, your h knows exactly what techniques to use to make you doubt yourself. Time to stop him and his manipulative ways.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
