Our story

[kolja]

Admittedly, contacting her on her sister's wedding day was a calculated risk. I realized it could come off as pursuing. It MAY have been a poor choice, though it didn't seem to have gone over too poorly.

As to the other aspects busto and 25mlc wrote about, I'd like to sincerely thank you both. It was actually very eye-opening - things I didn't realize I was doing even as I wrote that post last night.

"Correcting" is not a word that had been used at all, but now that you've brought it up, and pointed out where I was doing it, I can tie it into a trait she had mentioned on one of our two joint visits to counseling and get a better idea of what she had actually meant.

Believe it or not, when she had mentioned being condescending or disrespectful in counseling, while I didn't dispute it at all (even I at the time would have realized how damaging that would be in terms of invalidating her feelings), I legitimately was unaware of ever doing it at the time and was unable to recall an example. I distinctly recall asking her, in front of the counselor, to please help me identify when I'm doing it. She was pretty incredulous that I was so totally aware of doing it, and only a couple times after pointed it out so I kind of struggled through (unsuccessfully obviously) trying to pinpoint it, and then change it, on my own.

It was only in reading Michele's books over the past month and reading other people's stories here that I could see similar characteristics, and begin to get a GENERAL idea of what I had been doing. But it's only now that you two have taken the time to point to specific things and show how and why they're perceived the way they are that I'm getting a much better understanding.

It's also MILDLY intimidating, as I'm beginning to think that just being more sensitive to the time, place and tone of my interactions with people (not just my wife) isn't going to be enough if any potential future reconciliation is going to work. I'm really beginning to think I'm going to have to completely reinvent how I talk and listen to people.

The next time the topic comes up, the plan is to ask (and, most importantly, ONLY ask) how she came up with her proposed settlement. If I say anything more than "Ok, thanks for explaining it to me" it will be to relay it back to make sure I understood it - and then be done. I think it will be good practice for me to JUST listen, accept and validate as opposed to DISCUSSING.