Your "ramblings" are perfectly normal, even healthy to get out in writing...with people to share it with, who know exactly what you're going through, too! This is a hellacious process no matter where things will end up. People here call life with a WAS "being on the rollercoaster"...well, it applies to our personal process of change, too.
But you are definitely making progress, so never fear! It may not feel like progress, but each step forward counts! I'm quite sure that you've made much distance from the Val who first posted on this site.
I say embrace your new purple tips. Sounds like fun! Maybe your W might like them...maybe not. But heck, they weren't for her, were they? I think that, paradoxically, living your life more for YOU makes you a heck of a lot more compelling than building a life based around what your W wants. I get it, I sometimes think stuff like that, too. But I feel more empowered as time goes on. Now I often think to myself, "Who cares what W thinks? It's my life now, not hers!"
Hate to say it, but between the choice between your R with your W and YOU, you've gotta go with you. You can still love both you and her, but right now, YOU need YOU more than your W needs you.
Right now, your W does not desire to repair your R, so it will only serve as an anchor to drag you under. You can certainly "leave the door open" in case she wishes to return -- making sure not to do things to make things between you guys worse. But until you truly start living your life for YOU, you won't really be living at all.
