Thanks for everyone's support and guidance. It has been 7 months since my sitch began. In August I remember feeling so depressed and hopeless that dying was the way to go. Today not so much. I am today surprisingly ok. I have gathered all info requested by W's L and have even asked W to make copies for me. She has cooperated. I want to tell you that it gets better. Today I felt pretty whole. I have hope for the future I even questioned wether I want W back. The answer right now is NO. I will not go back to my or her old ways he'll no.
For future reference it has taken me 5 months to feel almost normal and abel to work and concentrate. If you are a newbie I know you do not believe it will get better but it does. Really as I type this I cried a bit haven't in a while but not out of sadness . Thanks for been here for me
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Been thinking alot lately about why my W remains so very cold. My only explanation is that her love for me was/is very great and she is protecting herself from more hurt by me. I have focused on her flaws for a while but that does not help me. So I have been digging deep and know I have a lot of work to do on me.
My biggest problem is anxieties and poor view of myself. Had an honest talk with my IC tonite. Alcohol has been involved every time I had an out burst. I said that in looking lback I realized that when an emotional issue was involved had been drinking or needed one. So alcohol has been a problem for me and need to work on that. Specially when I feel angry. It is the only way I would allow myself to act out. I have gotten angry when no alcohol was involved but controlled it. This change thing is lots of painful work huh?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Been thinking alot lately about why my W remains so very cold. My only explanation is that her love for me was/is very great and she is protecting herself from more hurt by me.
FWIW Rick... Tuesday when W and I were discussing telling the kids, at one point she became intensely angry. Her words... "No. I don't want them [the kids] thinking there is any chance of us getting back together because it's not going to happen. There is absolutely no way that will ever, ever happen." And they were said with such anger and vitriol.
And all I could think of was... wow... you're angry. Why are you so angry? Why does it make you so angry to think that the kids would think we have a chance of reconciling some day?
Obviously I don't know the answer... we can't know the answer. All I can know is that the concept of us reconciling touched a raw nerve. Brought out emotion in what had been, up to that point, a fairly reserved and even convo.
So why does she remain cold? Who knows. If it's apathy... like she just doesn't give a whip then that's one level of not caring. If it's "excessive cold" then there is something motivating the behavior. But it's not possible to know what that is.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Rick, it's a good thing you're recognizing what you need to work on with yourself. Continue to use this adverse situation to grow on become a better person. This may be painful work, but it's just as or even more painful if you don't do the work. You will be glad you're growing through this.
Gave all requested documents to my L yesterday. His paralegal said that will be in court in March and if everyone is in agreement that could be it. Does not look like I will be paying spousal support. It could be the opposite. Told W that I needed to get a fair market value on the house. She seemed giddy. II don't know about child support yet since I am asking for 50/50 custody.t It s sad how W and L look at all this as a business deal. I am afraid I may have to do the same.
I know for a fact that W believes I don't pay my fair share. She will be shocked when she sits down to pay bills for her own place. Very surreal experience.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Been thinking alot lately about why my W remains so very cold. My only explanation is that her love for me was/is very great and she is protecting herself from more hurt by me.
My advice to you regarding this is to stay out of her head. You don't belong there. You don't know what she feels or why she feels it! You do know what you feel though, and why you feel it. Keep your focus on you. The logistics/finances of a divorce IS simply a business transaction to the wife who wants the divorce, and her lawyer. It's hard...but it's that way. She feels entitled to as much as she can possibly get from you. You'll have to get over that "I can't believe you're doing this" attutude that we all get because, even though it's understandable, it serves NO useful purpose for you! I'm not kidding Rick...STFU and focus on you and what's best for you. This is war. Don't talk to her about it (divorce logistics/finances). She doesn't care. They are capable of coming across as being completely ruthless...and you have to respond (actions) according to what is in YOUR best interest. Continue to invest in Rick, in every way.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
"It s sad how W and L look at all this as a business deal. I am afraid I may have to do the same."
Rick I know you've seen it written here that in a D it is best to let the L deal with the logistics and negotiation of the D and for you to stay out of it. In doing so, it remains a "Business Deal".
Did you ever see the movie Prizzi's Honor with Jack Nicholson, Angelica Houston and Kathleen Turner? There is a scene where I think it was Pop Partanna who tells Charlie that he has to ice his W. And Charlie is protesting but Pop says, "it's business, Charlie, it's business."
So face it Rick, it's business, it's only business. And while your W seems to have accepted that is is business, you would be wise to do the same. If for no other reason than to maintain your own sanity in all this and to keep your hands clean so as to keep the road home smooth and paved.
So, are we meeting up in Madrid?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Rick, If I go back over many of your past posts, I can definatley see you slowly detaching and getting a better handle on your sitch. You have come a long way, and sound like you are in a good place.
When my w and I would talk about making preparations for her leaving, she told me "forgive me but I am in business mode" which goes along with what everyone is saying here about the WAW looking at it as a business transaction. I have been told by many people who have been divorced that at some point in the future, when all the hullabaloo has died down, there is a good chance the s will look back with a sense of regret that they didnt do more to stick it out. Maybe ours will, and maybe they won't we can take some solace in the fact that we were honorable men till the end and sought to keep things on an amicable footing.
Just my two cents! Enjoy the beautiful weather buddy!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Thank you, Rick, for those amazingly encouraging words. What a powerful statement about your progress to ask yourself whether you want your W back. Thank you too for the statement about work and concentration. I have had such a tough time focusing on anything other than the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my gut. It is very reassuring to hear from a person going through this that it does get better. I very much appreciate your post.
