WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

Starting with Mach...

What DOES validate you ?
Those are the questions that I want you to ask yourself W....
Why are you incapable of validating and defining your own life ?

Well, that's why I'm in IC right now One of the fundamental things we are working on is what are my values, what does define me, and how do I become capable of living those values and defining myself within them. It's a work in progress. As far as why... because I grew up trained that my primary value was to keep the woman in my life happy. So other values were irrelevant... In high school I was the "perfect kid"... 4.0 GPA, Honor Roll, lots of leadership positions, attended exactly ONE alcohol party (which is no small feat in Wisconsin btw), and not once touched drugs (even MJ). I did this because it made mom happy. That transferred into my adult life.

And you wonder WHY she feels the need to be on her own now ?

No I actually don't. From the start I've said that I believe we have to be apart for some period of time if we are to ever recon. I believe she NEEDS to be away from me and I from her. If we didn't have kids in the picture I'd have signed off on splitting up a long time ago. She needs to learn to live on her own and as an independent person. And... so do I.

So how does this change ? How are you different moving forward ?Criticism is the number one sign of being controlling. It MAY appear to be harmless, but it isn't. When you criticize, you are trying to change the behavior of someone else.

I have come to realize this. How does it change? By not doing it. By stopping myself and thinking before I speak. From thinking about what I am going to say and deciding whether it is something loving or something critical. Even if it's critical couched in humor (I'm REALLY good at that btw).

An example... SS has never been an avid reader. It drives W and I crazy. Lack of reading means he is a poor speller and has a smaller vocab than he should. But about two months ago he suddenly found reading. Last night he finished his fourth book in four weeks, and we're talking thick books (all three Hunger Games and I Am Number Four). Old me would've said something like this, "Hey... it's a miracle, you figured out how to read!" or "Wow... I didn't know you knew how get through a whole book". Instead, last night when he told me he finished the fourth book we talked about what the book was about. Then I asked him if he was proud of himself for finishing a fourth book in four weeks. He didn't even realize it had been four in four. I told him he should be proud and that I'm very proud of him and he should keep at it. But that is reflective of new me.

Or tonight after practice I talked with my S. He's not very good at the exercises for wrestling yet. Old me would've told him he's not very good or made a joke about how he looked doing them. Tonight I asked him if, when he's up early in the morning with me, he'd like to work on exercises together after I'm doing running. After all I certainly could use the exercise too

This is more of the same Controlling, Passive Aggressive, Insecure behavior.

I know the convo with W has been a back and forth topic. For what it's worth it was meant as me standing up for myself. For firmly stating what I believe and feel. In the end things did not turn out how I wanted them, but I feel I had to say something. At the same time, W did agree to a few modifications that I think are better. If nothing else I don't want to go into a co-parenting R with her where she thinks I am not going to stand up for something I believe in.

@Harrier (and others)... in regards to telling the kids and the trauma. Yes, I know... I have spent the day reflecting hard on this after reading the posts this morning. I've come to some realizations. First, I am projecting my pain onto their lives. I don't know how they will react but they will certainly take their lead from my emotions (especially my S). I know I have to be strong and take it in stride. This is simply another path, not the edge of a cliff. Second, things could be far worse and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. On a continuum of bad to good you would have my W committing suicide (she discussed that when this sitch started) on the farthest bad side. Then we would never have any R and the kids would not have her. Next, she could've just walked away and left me to unwind everything (stepkids, her XH, house, S, etc...). She could've gone dark and vicious with nasty lawyers and taking me for everything plus custody. On the good side would be us working on ourselves within the confines of our M. If that's not going to happen then I think the next stop along the continuum is where we are at. Amicable, communicating, friendly, and focused on the kids and their lives. Being sad, depressed, and a basketcase is not good for the kids and if it's not good for them then what benefit does W have for keeping things on the "good" side of the continuum? So yes, I need to and will "man up" and do this with a positive attitude.

I figured if you can't beat them, then join them. And I had a timeline in my head. A timeline for how long this would go on until I could live my life free of all of it. I was planning on being a WAW once my S was grown. I had a countdown that began with the thought only five more years of this...

This is my W... She even said as much during one of our talks. At the time, and probably still to some degree, I felt taken advantage of. That in some manner she used me to get her nursing degree and with that in hand she is sweeping me out. She said that at the time of nursing school she thought she'd be a WAW after the kids left the house. Then recently she couldn't do that anymore and moved up the timetable.

If WHG wanted to control that, he has a huge number of trump cards to play that he hasn't even put on the table -- W's current substance abuse issues, her various infidelities, etc. A person trying to control the other would have had that ammo locked and loaded as needed to get his way.

Thanks OT... and I agree with you. I have never brought any of those items up to her. Not because I'm afraid to, but because they don't really matter. They are symptoms of a deeper problem or really problems. They are symptoms of the stress in our current R and how she deals with that stress. They are symptoms of her own depression and how she deals with that. But ultimately that is what they are... throwing that back at her, just to get her to do what I want is truly pointless. Not to mention if I were to throw them at her and she stayed with me simply out of fear that I would use her substance abuse issues against her... well what kind of R is that?

Three months ago I did some research into my 401K. She is entitled to half of it as Wisconsin is a community property state. I also learned that at the time of the divorce she can choose to roll it, invest it, cash it out, or take a lump sum and invest the rest. For many weeks I held this information. I did this to control her. I feared that if I told her she had access to this much liquid cash she'd run for the exit as fast as she could because she'd have what she needs to get set up in a new place. Getting set up is one of her biggest fears.

Finally about three weeks ago I simply told her. It took me that long to come to the realization that if she's staying with me simply because she can't afford to get set up in her new place... well, that's not worth a damn thing. That's no way for either of us to live. She wants to be free. This is a tool that can get her there. I owe it to her to be transparent and honest, especially since it is her money once we divorce.

And oddly enough... it hasn't changed her timeline at all.

Thank you to everyone. The last few days have been very hard. I have posted things on here that I have never told anyone except my IC. I appreciate the responses and the insights. I cannot say that I am looking forward to this weekend... who would be except a sadist? But it will come. The kids will survive. I will survive. I will not be as bad as I have it crafted in my head. It will not be as non-chalant and pollyanna as my W has crafted in her head. But Monday will be better, and Tuesday will be better still, and next week will be even better.

I think it also helped that last night I sat down and made out a custody/visitation calendar based on what W and I have agreed on so far. With church days, volunteering in school days, and days my W works there are four days a month where I don't see my S. Frankly, there are four days a month now where I don't see him. I know it's not the same... taking him to church and dropping him off at mom's is not the same as taking him to church and then coming home and playing in the park together. But it's better than nothing, right? This is where I have to look... at the blessings that are in amongst the stink. I know there are dads on here that would kill to see their kids all but four days a month. So I won't wallow... I need to hold my head high and show them the path.