Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

Another Journal,
After yesterday's high ^^^^^, I've hit another low. I actually went out to my car tonight and bawled my eyes out... There's no where in the house that H or the boys won't hear me cry. I've even tried going into the shower, hoping the water noise would drown me out- but H said he could hear me downstairs through the ceiling, apparently the acoustics are good and the floor is thin.

My second prediction for after the holiday break has come true. H is moving out, not sure when- but he is clear that he will soon. Here how the conversation went:
(he had brought up the separation papers so we were talking about custody arrangements)
H:... I guess when I move into [married friend's house] we can test out our custody arrangements, see how it really works for us.
M: you're still planning on doing that?
H: Uhhhh, yeah. Why would't I? When did I ever say I wasn't? (he was getting frustrated at this point)
M: our last conversation about it, 2 weeks ago, was that it was an option you were considering. I never got a definitive answer from you.
H: well, I took that conversation to mean that *was* my decision. I mean why wouldn't I want to move out??
M: I can give you two reasons. They are in the back seat of your car right now and they won't see you for over a year. But that's all I will say about it right now. (I was getting choked up and mad/upset and didn't want to loose it on the phone)
H: [nothing in response to my statement] Well, I'm going over there this weekend to check it out and see what kind of room I will have.
M: Ok. (I wanted to scream and cry and convince him that he's being selfish and not thinking about the boys!)
H: That's another thing we should talk about: when are we going to tell S5?
M: I really don't think we need to tell him before you leave for deployment. I mean, if you tell him the D word and then you leave for a year, he will associate D with 'my daddy goes away and I never see him'. I think that would be too traumatic. The deployment is hard enough for him to get his brain around, let's do one at a time. Tell him D when you get back.
H: Well, I disagree. I think there's enough time before I leave for him to not associate the two.(still anger in his voice)
M: I'm not ready to have this conversation, especially with the kids in the car with you. Can we please talk about it later?
H: Fine.

My emotions were all over the place. I'm angry that he's only thinking about his needs right now, nothing about what's best for the kids. I wish someone could get him to come around and see that staying in the house before a year away is best for the boys... but I am not the one to tell him. I don't want to 'convince' him to stay because he would only resent me and there would be no hope for us. Is there a compromise? Maybe he moves out for a few months, but agrees to come back for a few months before he leaves? Probably not.

When we've talked about our Sep papers, H has said that he doesn't like that our custody arrangements only have him seeing the boys 6 days out of 14 days (every other weekend including fri. plus 1 day each week, mind you- he wrote this). But then he counters his own statement by saying that his work schedule won't allow him to be the primary, I would still have to watch the boys everyday until 6 pm... so it doesn't make sense for him to be primary. H quote: "I don't like this, I want to see my boys everyday." My smart@ss wants to say: "you have that ability. Stop this separation. Stay in the house. You can't leave the M and still get everything you want!" But of course.... I 180 and don't pressure or attack, I just listen.

These little statements and his opposite-from-normal reactions to things make me think this is really a MLC. I know that's he been frustrated with his job for the last 2 years (unappreciated, un-motivating boss, creativity is not encouraged) and he's been un happy in our M.... I think I'm not entirely the problem, I'm just the easiest target. He can't change anything at work, so the only thing he can change is me. Even though I can logically come to this concept- It f-ing suxx!!!!! Why does he think he can only ever be 'happy' if he's not with me?!?! (I put happy in quotations, because I don't think he really knows what the word means for him)

His job is going to change, he will have new challenges (he is an awesome leader and problem solver, so he LOVES challenges) and a new environment... so I can only assume that he will start to feel better about himself (even though it will be in a desert). So where does that leave me?? I'm left alone here, with two kids who will miss their dad everyday, my H will miss them too; no-one to help me comfort them, and no-one missing me.

I'm having a pity party for a minute.... wanna come?

I know in my head- that I need to go with the flow and sign the papers. I also know that I have a strong side in the decision as to when we tell S5... I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't know how to get him to really listen to me without his anger/frustration response, which seems to be the go-to right now. It's as if anything that I say that challenges his decisions or ideas, is immediately labeled 'arguing', 'you're frustrating me'... and he doesn't ever address the actual issue.

Suggestions? Is this 'normal'? Are his behaviors typical of a MLC? Do you think this is a MLC?

He's made me feel like I'm the entire problem with his unhappiness and he can only ever be happy again without me in his life.