I find it hard to post because I don’t really know what to say. My W says it shows that I’m not really into fixing our M, which I know is not the case. I simply have a hard time finding something to write w/o sounding like a broken record. I acknowledge that I’m the one with the issues, and it’s not my plan to bash my W just to put words on paper. It would be unfair to bash my W because she’s the rationale one in this equation.
I’ve created this situation by being emotionally abusive and by asking for a divorce each time we have a fight, or by saying “why are we doing this” every time we argue. One of my big issues is trying to stay on topic when we argue. I often think my W says one thing, when in actuality she really meant another. Our discussions often escalate into arguments because I raise my voice or because I get passive aggressive and stray off topic.
Yesterday, my W and I were discussing an in-house separation which turned into divorce talk. My W wanted to know if I would ensure she was adequately provided for should we divorce. Instead of saying I would provide what I could to ensure her safety, I went off on a tangent about the various factors/situations that might effect how much support I could provide. I was being mean and cold and missed the point entirely. In the end my W asked me to leave. I actually left the house only to return about three times before getting up enough guts to finally check into a hotel.
I wasn’t pleased about what I’d done and about how my W was suffering. I was pretty sure that this was the beginning of me having to look for an apartment. My W was worried about me and contacted me via e-mail to make sure that I wasn’t going to do something extreme; I told her I was okay, all things considered. Throughout the evening we exchanged a few e-mails.
A few hours had passed when my W asked me to come home after feeling the presence of a man in the area of our kitchen; not sure what that was about, although I will say my W is highly intuitive. 15 minutes later, I was back at home; thank god.
I’m thankful that my W is still engaged. It’s getting late, so I’ll write more tomorrow.
