This morning I woke up and W wasn't there. I went looking for her, if she was in the spare room that would usually indicate that she's mad at me. She wasn't there. I went downstairs and found her on her work laptop. I asked what was going on, she said she had to do some work "is that OK with you?" Yes, that's ok, I just didn't know what happened.
several times and it bugs me every time. This would drive me crazy. I realize you have an agreement but it seems controlling to me. Talk more about that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This would drive me crazy. I realize you have an agreement but it seems controlling to me. Talk more about that.
No way Labug...you would laugh if you knew me that anyone would accuse me of being controlling, I'm the opposite. I can see why you would read that into it however, it's all about how the conversation took place in terms of tone and expression.
This was more of a scenario like your spouse comes home from work every day at 7:00 at night, and tells you when they're going to be late.
One night you notice it's 8:00, they're still not home and you haven't heard from them. When you call them in that context, you're not being controlling if you're just concerned that something happened.
I didn't say "you're supposed to be in bed with me". I said, "why are you up so early on a weekend, what's going on?"
Does that make sense?
In my post-bomb phase, it was very important to me to take a really critical look at myself and understand what made me hard to live with -- how my actions contributed to the fall of our marriage. I really tried to put it all on the table and look at it objectively. I read books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Hold Onto Your Nuts" and I did not see myself at all in the "nice guy" profile. I have other issues and problems, but controlling is not one of them.
I have always viewed myself as being very independent, and when I got married 15 years ago, I was looking for a woman who would also be independent and wouldn't rely on me to make her happy, but would instead be someone I could share happiness with.
I have realized through this experience that (a) she's less emotionally independent than I thought she was, (b) I no longer feel the way I do when I got married and would now like more intimacy, and (c) some of the traits that initially attracted me with regard to the independence were really a smokescreen and are now creating issues for me in pursuing more intimacy.
I have always been supportive of her having her own life and doing whatever she wanted. We have separate bank accounts plus a joint one, because I don't want to know how she spends her money, nor do I care, that's up to her. When she wasn't working, I would deposit money in her individual account and there was no accountability for where that went.
In terms of a social life, I was extremely trusting. You want to go out to dinner with your male friend, have fun! I'll watch the kids. You want to go dancing with some people you know from town, have fun! Then I didn't sit at home and worry, or ask her about it when she got back beyond "did you have a good time?"
Part of the reason she was able to have a 6-month affair without my knowledge is that I'm not controlling and just trusted her implicitly. She told me at least once that she was going to dinner with OM and had me watch the kids.
Despite what's happened, I'm still not controlling, it's not in my nature. It went against my grain to tell her to have no contact with either OM. I did that at the urging of my DB coach.
I have always encouraged her to pursue her own happiness and continue to do so.
Maybe more of an answer than you were looking for, but I will not let you call me controlling!
(That was a joke)
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
My H said I was controlling. I didn't see and I still don't. He had EA last year and when I discovered it he left me. Then after 3 wks of being gone, he moved back. I told him that I did not want him to have contact at all with her. And he sees that I am trying to control him. But I still disagree.
Hopeful, I think that's a tricky area. My W has never said that I'm controlling.
On the one hand, perception is reality, so if your H feels you're being controlling, you need to pay attention to that complaint.
On the other hand, if H is using that as an excuse to be able to do whatever he wants and not be held accountable, that's not acceptable.
I don't think expecting your spouse to be loyal is controlling. Telling your spouse they may not contact OW/OM could be construed as controlling. I think the better way to phrase it is in terms of a boundary -- if you continue to contact OM/OW I can't stay in this relationship. In that context, they can do what they want, and you'll take action as appropriate for yourself.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hopeful I agree with Accuray, I also suggest that you couch it in terms of your own feelings. What your husband did was very hurtful to you, and keeping contact reopens the wound.
The more I read about your situation the more it hits home. My wife called me controlling and that I manipulate her to to get what I want over the years which in her eyes was always sex.
I am so far from controlling that I said how about you give me a few examples of me being controlling. Hmm, nothing to say ok, how about the next time I do something controlling you write it down and we can discuss it.
She did say I take care of the mortgage and general bills and that she see's that as controlling. Well if that is controlling I guess you caught me because 15 years ago I tried to talk to her about how we should split up the bills and at the time she wasn't interested in sharing a part of her income. I made 3 times as much as her at the time so seems reasonable I should pay for everything and she paid nothing toward owning the house, etc.
We have always had seperate accounts and didn't hear any grips so I just left it that way.
I know deep inside this money situation has always bothered me but I just sucked it up as part of being married.
I, just like you married someone that was very independent which was a trait I was looking for. I had so many friends that were with girlfriends that wanted their boyfriends on lockdown. They only wanted to spend time with them and that was not going to be me.
I have never been the type to be jealous, just not a problem I have ever had. I trust her completely and unless something comes up would never think she would ever have an affair.
I think what she see's as controlling is me dealing with life. Someone has to pay the bills, I would gladly let her do them if she is interested.
You have mentioned in a post that your wife has self esteem issue's. I think mine is finding her identity now and along with the depression is the real cause of my situation. I know I'm not perfect so if nothing else this has made me take a hard look at my relationship and how it can be improved.
What are some examples of controlling behavior?
M 42 W 41 S 10 D 7 M 15 Years T 20 Years Divorce busted
Not removing personal responsibility from the equation....
But have you considered your W does not feel in control of her own life?
It may not be necessarily your behaviors but the circumstances.
For example: my job moves me a lot, so it kills most chances of my wife having a good long term career. Thus I pay the bills, this makes things worse.
Now from what I understand both of your W's work, so maybe it's something else. Try to find if there is something in her life she feels helpless about.
I don't know, my wife doesn't think I'm controlling. Labug read that into one of my posts and that's how "controlling" got in here.
My dynamic is more that I have high expectations for myself. Since I can be hard on myself, my W can feel that she's always under a microscope, being judged, and that she doesn't measure up. That's quite different from being controlling, as in my instance all she has to do is observe how I regard myself...I don't have to say or do anything to her to inspire this feeling.
My IC says this makes my W feel unsafe, shes afraid that no matter what she does it won't be good enough. She feels that if she tries to do something for me I will never be satisfied and there will just be another thing and another thing after that that I will want and it never ends. Exhausting right?
The thing is, I'm not "doing this" to her, she's bringing most of it to the table herself. My job is to understand it, to look at what I'm doing that triggers it or makes it worse, and stop doing those things. I'm hoping that the IC can help us to make her feel safe just being herself.
I do have to say that so far my abstinence pledge is working for me and of course W hasn't complained. I feel in control of my emotions and W doesn't have the chance to dissapoint me sexually. This helps me be relaxed with her. Going on a week now, still waiting for it to drive me crazy.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
