Separation Helped So Far..

[anyhope]

I spoke to a friend today and like all friends she asked what was going on between us. I said nothing, everything is still the same.
She started telling me some things that he said to her about us and me and ow. I was on speaker while she was changing her baby so I didn't quite understand if what she was saying took place recently 2 weeks ago or less. The point is that at one point he said to her that he was never really in love with me, and how ow is so amazing, cooks amazing and folds his clothes.. Now.. I'm not the best cook on the planet I will say that right now, but Im not bad, I've always folded his clothes, in fact I remember the very first time I have folded his clothes he was so happy and impressed and I thought to myself, poor guy, no one ever folded his clothes before?

Before he dropped the bomb he'd call me every day around the same time asking if thered be any food when he got home. I always said yes, he usually wasn't happy with the food for one reason or the other. I remember making chicken breasts one day, he came home looked at it, sat with an unimpressed face and said he would have liked it cut up with veggies like a teriyaki.. The next day I made that, he came home, again unimpressed face, he would've liked the way I made it yesterday.. And he'd have a fight with me often about me not cooking.. Not doing anything to be exact.. How do you argue with that? I said to him that from now on I won't do anything and maybe he will take notice, but I eat, I make myself food do laundry so not gonna put aside his and will clean as I can't live in his mess so on we went..

So my friend said that she told him that I must have been good at something if he was with me for 9yrs and he had nothing to say. (it is not sex btw, sex also sucked for the past few years)

Speaking of sex.. I went to a few doctors thinking I had a hormonal unbalance as I didn't know why but I didn't want to have sex with him. Now I realized it wasnt because I didn't like him or he wasnt good anymore.. It was simply that I was missing something.. And the last doctor I went to re my low sex drive told me that it must be something he's not giving me and I was thinking that can't be.. Well it is.. It's all emotional, I was missing the feeling of being liked, or loved, missed feelings a woman needs to feel in order to be sexual and comfortable about it.. I quickly learned while on recent vacation that there is nothing wrong with me, no hormonal imbalance just need a man who likes me..

With that in mind I don't know if there is a reason any reason for me to return to this marriage, do I want to live like that? With a judgemental husband who is very capable of saying nice things to a woman, too bad I had to find out by finding the emails he sent to ow. I had myself convinced that he just wasn't that romantic kind of guy and kills me to know after all these years that he is, just not with me..

My heart is broken not only because he had sex with someone else but because I feel like I was living a lie for so many years and settled.. And to top it all off he wants me back.. What for? Because he's used to me? I'm having trouble communicating this to him because it makes me too angry and can't finish... I don't know...