Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

Journalling ....

I dropped H off for his trip to wherever. We awkwardly said good-bye without the kiss and hug. I have no idea when he'll be back. I got home to an empty house and just cried like I haven't for a long time. You know, those big gulping sobby type crying. It was cleansing. It's not as if I have never come home to emptiness, it's just now there is no hope of ever having H there sometimes way into the future. The kids often sleep over at the friends, so I had the whole night to just cry, and sniff. It's amusing when I think back. Now, I have a horrible cold. Bleh!

I sometimes wonder if I had been more steadfast, more silent about my feelings, more supportive of H's career and the stress it entails, that things might've been different, that he may have turned around? I don't know. I think I gave as much as I could for 7 years and more, without receiving anything back, emotionally. I feel I have endured more than anyone should be asked to endure in this M. His neglect of our M borders on abuse. I didn't realise on Monday night, that I had still that small hope that he would change. Why else would he hug and kiss me before and after a trip? I realise now that it was just a way to keep me going until he is ready to move on. I know now that he is selfish, self absorbed, and emotionally barren. He tells me he is on the edge, that he is about to crack. I tell him to leave the job, that we can manage, I'll leave uni, etc. But, he won't. He is 'sacrificing' himself for us, his family. What a martyr! I grew up poor-ish. I'm a railway kid, and I am proud of my parents struggle to bring up five children. He was brought up in an upper middle class home, and had no needs or wants unmet. I have no problem being poor again, if my M was a happy one (although, I doubt that would be the case, if he found a job closer to home). So, that tells me he is just saying stuff to get my sympathy, and control me. He knows me so well, but I am catching on, slow as I am.

So, my thoughts are here, so I can refer back to them when he says I didn't or did say something. He likes to use my sometimes lack of memory (due to meds) against me.

[WCW]

Those cleansing cries....I remember them too. The full body sobs. In the end you wonder why you were even crying!

I wonder if it really will be easy to make a true split from your H, he will have issues giving up the control over everything.

Remember to Act As If. Not for any reason to win your H back, but to charm yourself into being a happy person and living a happy life.

(((BM)))

[braveheart]

BeingMe, honey, I think you have been and are standing. I'm not putting you down by saying that, but I honestly believe that to be the truth. I say this because you post about leaving, etc. and there is always something you mention that keeps you around for while, plus your comments about having "the slightest hope of him changing" Again, I'm not putting you down by saying this, my point is this; If you really are and want to stand, focus yourself in doing so, look at yourself and see if there are some things you can try to do differently.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for visiting WCW, and for the hugs. I like your comment about charming oneself into being a happy person and living a happy life. I think I do that on a daily basis, but sometimes .... sometimes ... H just gets to me, you know.

[luvless]

Ugh...so remember those times. Amazing how many hours you can cry huh?

Don't let him manipulate you. My ex kept saying how stressed he was. He was blaming me. You know what? HE IS STILL stressed!

I don't cry like that anymore. I'm getting better and so will you.

Hugs!

[beatrice]

Being - your husband sounds a very cold and controlling man. Emotional abandonment and physical abandonment. This isn't what marriage is about, and yet he probably feels by providing for you he is dong OK.

It is hard - he is drip feeding what many of us get as outright aggression. And I agree that sometimes you need to have a good cry.

[job]

BeingMe,
Sometimes we need to cry to help us cleanse our hearths and souls in order to move a bit further along the path.

I firmly believe that your h is manipulating/controlling you in little ways. The hugs, kisses, etc., prior to departing for trips is to string you along. He may do this out of habbit and not thinking much about it.

Please understand that your could have jumped over fire, cut your arm off, etc., and it still wouldn't have been enough to keep him in the relationship the way he should be. You have been a wonderful wife, partner, etc., to him and it just isn't enough at this time. So, please do not doubt yourself w/the what ifs. Look at all of your accomplishments over the years and you will recognize that you have done a lot, not just for him, but the family and friends as well.

As for your memory issue, when he makes comments, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". You have defended yourself until pigs fly. It's not working, so do a different spin and just let him talk. When my xh would say things, I would say "whatever". He soon stop that nonsense. Yes, your h knows exactly what techniques to use to make you doubt yourself. Time to stop him and his manipulative ways.

Please take care of yourself.

[BeingMe]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit lonely and unwanted today, but trying to get through it. I'm just getting over a cold, so that doesn't help. Even the dog snapped at me. He is probably feeling my aura of downess. Eh, I'll get over it, but in the meantime, just feeling the feeling. H has texted last night to let me know he's in China, and I haven't heard from him since (I think he does this as another way of getting to me ... he knows that I think he has OW, and that it's one of the women he travels with). This used to bother me, because I feared something had happened other than a mistress, but this time I don't care. It's long time coming for me to let go. I need to find a GAL project other than my university courses, which keeps me indoors and on the computer, or reading. I need to get out, even if it's cold and damp. But where? I'll have to put some thought into it. I could go to the gym, but that's a solitary thing too.

I managed to write my poem for my poetry course at uni today, and it showed what I was feeling. I have to laugh at how ones feelings show up in different places, especially in poetry. Here it is, if anyone is interested (hope y'all are having a better day than me):

Love doesn't live here anymore
it sneaked out the back door
while I wasn't looking
cold indifference took its place
joy died, fun failed
The Career is now worshipped

“It puts food on the table,” he said
I didn't know that that was all it did
put food on the table, while love
moved out, and life was dulled
by constant business trips
each lasting longer and longer

I couldn't eat that food on the table
It had grown cold, and rancid
and bitter to the taste
Soon, I too will follow
the way that love went
out the back door

[kml]

Ummm....honey - reality check?? He just flew halfway around the world, he let you know he arrived safe, he's jet-lagged and WORKING. I wouldn't read ANYTHING into him not having contacted you again yet.

[BeingMe]

It's weekend ... they don't work on weekends. There were times when he would contact me on the Saturdays .... a long time ago. And on the Sundays. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Thanks for trying to make me feel better, kml, but I know the deal with jet-lag, etc. We've had this little dance for years.