WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[cat04]

I don't see that either. How so? W announced they would tell the kids on Sunday, pretty much blindsiding WHG. To try to follow up that announcement with a rational discussion in a public place does not seem in the least bit controlling.

Personally, I don't see this public discussion as the part that Mach was calling controlling.

In my view, it was the discussion where he told her to go sooner, because it would be better for them both.

It was a passive aggressive comment made by someone who was upset that he wasn't being heard or getting his way.

Additionally, it is the continuous rehashing of the upcoming conversation that is controlling.

W,

I don't want to beat you up here. While these are your actions, they could have been anyone's and they have brought about much disagreement among posters.

While we are all entitled to our own opinions, I don't want to focus on that too much...

I would like you to understand something. I said I was controlling. That is not a lie. I became controlling in my M. It was my reaction to my controlling H.

My H, for his own reasons, was similar to you in many ways. He was passive aggressive, critical, did things and commented on things in ways that made me as insecure as he was. More so in the end.

I felt I did nothing right. I was a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad house keeper. I was too attached to our S or not attached enough. I worked too little, I worked too much. I don't believe that his intention was to ever make me feel that way, but almost twenty years of hearing it wears on a person.

Eventually, and I don't talk about this part of it much, I found a way to survive how I was feeling. I couldn't be a drinker (alcoholism had much impact on my life). I couldn't just walk away from my M at that point, that would have been too much like my mother. Instead, I found ways to control what I could, to hopefully appease him, I attempted to be perfect. I became very controlling in subtle ways. Over time, there was nothing that anyone could do in my home (shopping, laundry, dishes, vacumming, etc...) that was good enough that I didn't criticize. I tried to meet all of everyones needs before they said what they were and then wasn't happy if someone needed something I didn't anticipate.

I figured if you can't beat them, then join them. And I had a timeline in my head. A timeline for how long this would go on until I could live my life free of all of it. I was planning on being a WAW once my S was grown. I had a countdown that began with the thought only five more years of this... That decision was made about a month before my H dropped the bomb.

That was my wake up call. My realization that I didn't want a D. That I did love the man but that things needed to change.

That all being said, I can understand why your W is where she is. I also understand why you are where you are.

I can't guarantee that anything will work out or won't down the road.

I can guarantee that you will find yourself in another R similar to this one if you continue to be controlling.

If you continue to be closed. If you choose not to do the work Mach is talking about.

I also agree with Harrier, you are making this event so traumatic for your children, trying to anticipate the horrors they are going to suffer. So they will.

They will learn what you show them. If they see you as strong and picking yourself up in the face of adversity, they will learn that.

Again, those choices are yours.

Also remember, that what happens today, can change tomorrow.

If you decide to become the better option, down the road you may have a reconciled R with your W. Or your future partner will be a very lucky woman.

It really is all up to you.