Thanks Angel! Wow...I'm at work, and reading your posts, I started crying!
Thank you again for your response, and reminding me that I can still hope against hope. I do hope we both get something out of this, and I really hope it will help re-ignite something within him to where he'll realize that loving each other is a choice, even though I know his image of love is very reminiscent of fairy tales and movies, which we lost a long time ago since he claimed to have loved me at first sight, and us being together was fate and destiny. He seems to think that if there is no passion, there is no love. I've chosen to love him and to make this attempt to keep our family whole, and hopefully hearing stories from others will help change his mind into wanting the same as well. I even feel at times, he's already over this and moved on and that we won't have another chance at all. I try to tell him anything is possible, there's always a chance, and always hope, but then he calls me delusional.
I've been begging him to at least go in with an open mind to the slight possibility that it could go either way, but his only response is that we are going to divorce, that's the only way this is going, and we're just attending this weekend so that maybe we can come to an agreement on the custody and visitation schedule of our son. I told him I understand that if there is a chance for us, it's a very small percentage based on his words and actions, and his response is that it's a negative percentage and to not get my hopes up because we'll never be together again, and that we'll never be a family again and that we should just learn from our mistakes so we can apply them to future relationships instead of working on them between us because it's too late. We've never had a solid base to work upon since we got married really quickly after we started seeing each other, pregnant before we got married, even though he was talking about marriage and family with me before that happened, so we never had the time for 'us'. I just feel like during our separation, we finally started uncovering bits and pieces that we should have shared and didn't which led to our failures, and I'm hoping he'll be willing to work with me to mend our mistakes together instead of re-creating or applying them to a different relationship, since a different relationship would just be a different set of problems later on.
I'm also very worried about the OW from his work since I've heard that she just had her divorce, and she also has a child with her ex husband who is around 2. The only reason I knew that was because I had a heart to heart with my husbands grandmother, and at that time I just had suspicions, and she said they were just friends, and that she was going through a divorce and had a small child etc. But then one day my son told me there was a lady on my side of the bed, and gave me her name, and then had a breakdown thinking his mom was being replaced, and over and over asking me, "why did daddy make bad choices?"
I'm just very scared, and anxious about next weekend, and I can't help but cry every day about having been the first one to walk away. I want to work with him to be able to fully forgive him for the past, I just hope he'll do the same for me for our family. When I left, I thought I didn't and couldn't love him again either, until the day I went to the courthouse to file the divorce papers, and I couldn't leave the car to do it because it just didn't feel right. Then 3 months later, I end up receiving the divorce papers he's filed in the mail.
LOL, I'm so sorry for venting, I'm just having a moment.
