To clarify one thing, I've never apologized to H for being upset about him not treating me well. I apologized to him that I didn't listen to him enough when he told me what he needed in the relationship. That came out wrong with how I positioned my sentences.
H would say once a week isn't enough (and I'd agree with him that it wasn't always once a week and I don't think we had the right level of intimacy to make that once a week as fantastic as you'd want). H is very HD although part of it may have been him searching for a lot more warmth, intimacy, etc.
As for how I feel...wow...you are right that I have been avoiding that. Here's how I felt in the marriage.
--H traveled for work or worked late almost every night. I felt ignored and like it was unfair that I had to leave my job (which pays more) to get home every night for daycare or the nanny.
--When H did get home, he often got back on his computer and wasn't very social with me.
--Most Friday nights, I had a hard time predicting if H would be home on time to do something social. So, we didn't do a lot of things socially with other couples or families (since we pretty much just had Saturday nights which defaulted more to family nights)
--H had stopped doing sweet, loving things for me. Gifts were usually picked up on the way home for anything like valentine's day or my birthday. For Christmas last year, he went to a department store to buy the robe I told him to buy with 1 minute to spare until the store closed on Christmas Eve.
--H doesn't really like to travel, I do. I planned all of our vacations.
--H wasn't athletic or in shape until his A. (well, he wasn't really that out of shape, but there were times where he was a bit overweight and also more lazy/sleeping in around the house). He does like doing certain sports and I'm not into some of them.
--H often bought things without telling me or asking. He was generally a pretty cheap guy, so not saying he over-spent and fortunately, we've always had good incomes. But, we didn't have a true partnership around money.
--H had always been great with the kids. He's fun and cares a lot about them. He never hesitated to do any childcare things and sometimes was more caring than me about staying up with them when they were sick, etc.
--H was always someone I could talk to. He was a good friend and we had a lot in common (similar families, professional lives, interests). However, with three kids and rare times where we spent time alone...we had stopped talking.
--H wasn't a guy who went off to play golf or watched a lot of sports, so I did appreciate he was open to doing things on weekends or being home.
--I felt like H was honest and a good person. (key word = was)
--H is funny/fun and I enjoyed introducing him to people as my husband. There was something about us that was a pretty good match when we were having fun.
The huge risk in trying to rebuild our marriage (assuming we have the chance) will be in getting H to meet my needs. He has always believed marriage should be very passionate if you've found the right person. He doesn't think it should be a lot of work.
So, should I try? Should I hold on knowing that on top of these issues...he's now had a 5 month long affair...most of it while I knew?
I think I am clinging to:
--We have three young kids who want their parents to be together. --We have an underlying friendship (even through the A, some people have been amazed at how we can interact) --Our families and lives are combined. --I am insecure about my ability to find someone else and I like being married.
On your other questions about our relationship now...I think it's a combination of: --H is still attached to me and wants to keep me somewhat happy --H is horny --I want to show him that I have sexual feelings.
I don't think it's bad. I'm the wife, and I don't feel used. If H is conflicted, I could see where it is coming from. I guess I feel this way because there is also an emotional element to it. He holds me afterwards and I feel like there are feelings there.
So, do I feel great about how our marriage was? No. I think that has partially helped me understand the A and somewhat forgive it (I haven't forgiven, but it's not like everything was perfect and H did something completely malicious). But, I do need things to change for me to be happy.
I read somewhere it would be easier to start over than mend the marriage. I can see that.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
