Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

LFW, good question.

1) I believe H is laying more blame on me right now than is fair. I think that's the affair fog erasing his good memories and convincing him our marriage has always been "bad".

2) But...no, if I had looked at our marriage a year ago...I would have said neither of us was trying. H has always felt our marriage was sex starved from his perspective. He also felt I wasn't an "intimate" person. OW is all of that.

I think the huge mistakes we made were:
--I told H that I thought our marriage was typical based on everyone I knew. We had three kids, busy lives and so it didn't surprise me that we weren't having sex more than once or so a week. I also felt like he wasn't putting any effort into treating me special...I can't remember the last time (maybe 10 years ago?) that he asked me on a "date". This upset H because he felt I wasn't listening to him or trying (I agree and I have apologized to him for this)

--H made the mistake of labelling me in a way that made me feel like a "sexless" person and made me insecure. I gave up and was feeling like I couldn't meet his needs.

We should have gone to therapy and come up with forward looking solutions. I think we also fit the mold of what MWD talks about in Sex Starved Marriage...a vicious cycle.

I think we both felt empty inside before his A. I know I could have been susceptible to one as well and I've told him that. We had become more like roommates and we were missing the connection.

Oddly, now that his A is happening...we actually sleep more entwined and hold each other much more than we ever did before the A. Our occasional "romantic" encounters are hotter. (I've read that's my hormones being more in overdrive) I am trying in a mellow way to be more affectionate and caring. H told me last week that it's interesting...it's like our roles have changed and I'm now the one that wants sex with him.

Since he's been with OW, he won't have sex with me (which I think is for the best) but we do everything else up to that point. Part of me wants to show him I can be different...but I know part of me also doesn't mind having "ammo" against the OW or the knowledge that even though he's with OW...he's still coming home and with his wife. While I don't think I would confront OW at any point, it helps me mentally to know I could likely throw a couple things at her that H hasn't told her. (I kind of doubt he tells her he comes home and gets naked with his wife)

Can anyone else tell I keep needing to vent? Thank goodness for this board!