Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

Journalling ....

I dropped H off for his trip to wherever. We awkwardly said good-bye without the kiss and hug. I have no idea when he'll be back. I got home to an empty house and just cried like I haven't for a long time. You know, those big gulping sobby type crying. It was cleansing. It's not as if I have never come home to emptiness, it's just now there is no hope of ever having H there sometimes way into the future. The kids often sleep over at the friends, so I had the whole night to just cry, and sniff. It's amusing when I think back. Now, I have a horrible cold. Bleh!

I sometimes wonder if I had been more steadfast, more silent about my feelings, more supportive of H's career and the stress it entails, that things might've been different, that he may have turned around? I don't know. I think I gave as much as I could for 7 years and more, without receiving anything back, emotionally. I feel I have endured more than anyone should be asked to endure in this M. His neglect of our M borders on abuse. I didn't realise on Monday night, that I had still that small hope that he would change. Why else would he hug and kiss me before and after a trip? I realise now that it was just a way to keep me going until he is ready to move on. I know now that he is selfish, self absorbed, and emotionally barren. He tells me he is on the edge, that he is about to crack. I tell him to leave the job, that we can manage, I'll leave uni, etc. But, he won't. He is 'sacrificing' himself for us, his family. What a martyr! I grew up poor-ish. I'm a railway kid, and I am proud of my parents struggle to bring up five children. He was brought up in an upper middle class home, and had no needs or wants unmet. I have no problem being poor again, if my M was a happy one (although, I doubt that would be the case, if he found a job closer to home). So, that tells me he is just saying stuff to get my sympathy, and control me. He knows me so well, but I am catching on, slow as I am.

So, my thoughts are here, so I can refer back to them when he says I didn't or did say something. He likes to use my sometimes lack of memory (due to meds) against me.