I haven't posted in a few days. Things have been up and down. There were days where I thought that I was seeing small signs of improvements, and there were days where H would say over and over how he has done everything for me and I did nothing for him. I've been trying not to react to his statements and was "successful" most of the times. There was a day last week that I thought I was breaking through to him and he made a statement like "You know we still have a long way to go, and this doesn't mean that things are good again." But quickly thereafter he would say that he doesn't believe it will work out and has absolutely no faith.
His words say one thing...that he doesn't care, he doesn't believe, he doesn't want...
His actions have shown little signs of "caring". We have been intimate a few times. He has started to ask me how my day was, we even gone grocery shopping together (something we haven't done in a few months - we used to go together all the time). And, he said that he wanted a new shower curtain. Hmm, ok.
At the same time, he sleeps mostly on the couch, says it's "weird" to sleep in bed. Though he has slept in bed a couple of times. He's also been acting more selfish lately, which I understand.
Today is his birthday. Got him a small gift. He even sort of wanted to hug or half-hug or whatever. I didn't really respond too much (still mad from last night where he once again said that he doesn't care). I'm starting to get to a point where I'm angry at him for not caring and starting to question my desire to continue working on the relationship. There are only so many times I can hear "I don't care about us" and "I don't believe it will work out". I know it's still early in the "game" and the journey is long and painful, but sometimes a girl just wonders.
Today he texted and suggested a restaurant for his birthday dinner. I said it sounds good, but asked if he wants to just go with S4 or all of us. He replied: "All of us. Why would it be just S and me?" Well, I was just checking. Usually people want to spend special days with their loved ones, and lately I haven't quite felt that I was a "loved one". So we'll see about tonight. I did make chocolate/peanut butter cupcakes with peanut butter frosting last night. He doesn't like sweets, but loves peanut butter. This morning he said they smelled good. It's not that I made them just for H. S4 is excited about his daddy's bday so we made the cupcakes together. I want him to have a positive experience.
I had the day off yesterday and did a yoga class in the morning. Felt awesome. Had lunch by myself. Awesome. Went shopping. Good therapy. Got a coffee from Starbucks. Yum. And had IC. Better therapy.
Today I opened a savings account in my name only. I figure I need to start thinking about myself now and not when things are more crazy. I'm feeling good about taking care of myself.
