I am finding just relating to others really helpful.
And I am not probably participating much because I really don't feel as if I am in any position to give advice. But I hope in future, I will have useful insight for others!
I don't think that you not being married really has anything to do with you not getting posts.
DB'ing can be done in almost any situation. Work, dating, marriage... whatever.
The main question that pops into my head when I read all this is..
Is this really what you want or are you just "loving" who he was back when you started dating?
Separate yourself from the situation as much as you can and really think about the answer you might post.
Second question would be...
Is him cheating a deal-breaker for you?
This must be a yes or no answer. Understand the choices behind yes or no.
Lets start with that.
Thanks for the response and good question.
And I will say that depends and that depends...
If he is going through changes because of his tour of duty, in other words, projecting badly towards me as he is angry, depressed, etc.. for being over there AND he wants to change this, realizes it, and admits it when he gets home, then YES, absolutely, I will stick by him and go through this difficult stage of life with him as much as possible.
And kind of the same sentiments for cheating. I have no concrete proof he's had a PA. And I don't even know of the extent of his EAs. I only have an idea from the strange Skype adds and dating sites. BUT.. I still consider what he did a form of cheating. My ability to get passed that would depend on how he is when he gets back.
If he is still the same towards me (horrible) when he gets back, we don't have a marriage certificate, nor children holding us together. I am afraid there won't be room to hold on anymore and we will be over.
If he gets back and softens and this alien leaves his body, or I at least get some sort of confirmation that he still wishes to be with me in some small way, then we can go from there.
I have changes to do too. And this is partially why I am on this board. I have found so many great tips on how to make those changes in myself. I am a pretty combative person and haven't been the best always in this relationship too. I just wanted to put that out that.
But long and the short of it... I love him very, very much but it's very hard to end that without seeing our dynamics in person, in our own home, amongst our belongings in a 'normal' situation.
"If he is going through changes because of his tour of duty, in other words, projecting badly towards me as he is angry, depressed, etc.. for being over there AND he wants to change this, realizes it, and admits it when he gets home, then YES, absolutely, I will stick by him and go through this difficult stage of life with him as much as possible."
Then clearly you are holding onto what he was. It is not abnormal or unexpected. If he did these things you list on his own accord would that mean more to you than if you "forced" him to? People that want/need you close will make efforts to make that happen. When they stop you really have to look at what you are doing to try and sway them. Do we "spy" on someone to really give us a way out.. or do we do it to hold it in their face and make them "see" what a great person we are and that they should comeback/stay with us? Clearly if he is pushing you away you should be paying attention. To me.. being engaged is just the same as being married. If you are committed there is no reason to be "looking" on a dating site. You certainly would not accept a good job while still going out for interviews unless you were really unsure you wanted that good job. You get what I am saying?
If I was in your shoes I would be/go dark. You have already broken off the engagement which gives him the "Single" status. Let him live the single life. If it does not fit him I assure you he will find you. I am not one to recommend the LRT but here it applies in so many ways and would I think be the most productive use of your time. You have to listen to your heart thou.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
If I was in your shoes I would be/go dark. You have already broken off the engagement which gives him the "Single" status. Let him live the single life. If it does not fit him I assure you he will find you. I am not one to recommend the LRT but here it applies in so many ways and would I think be the most productive use of your time. You have to listen to your heart thou.
I agree with you 100%. I do. And I know from even in the past, it's SO out of character for me NOT to communicate with him it probably a good thing.
Then I guess I must decide for myself if I can live with the uncertainty of not knowing if he would kick me out the moment he got home to do that. I can't really verify it and stay dark
So I hope you wonderful people will be patient with me venting on here everytime I am trying to resist the urge to contact him.
If I was granted three wishes right now, I would use one to go back and not pursue, beg, cry, freak out the way I did when still started to unravel for me.
Hi Oneeleven,
Maybe write the letter you'd *like* her to read and just tuck it away.
I have an ongoing email that I have saved in my drafts that is a hodge-podge of stuff that comes to my mind that I want to tell my FI, but know that I can't because it makes me seem desperate/needy/clingy/insincere
Just wanted to say that I think you're doing fine!
"I agree with you 100%. I do. And I know from even in the past, it's SO out of character for me NOT to communicate with him it probably a good thing."
I suspect that you not talking to him is not that out of character for you. Think back on when you were just getting to know one another. What did you do.. how did you act?
"Then I guess I must decide for myself if I can live with the uncertainty of not knowing if he would kick me out the moment he got home to do that. I can't really verify it and stay dark"
You "turned" him loose. You made that choice. Now you are questioning that decision. Unexpected.. No. Not normal.. No. Did you break it off to prove a point or was it what you really wanted?"
"So I hope you wonderful people will be patient with me venting on here everytime I am trying to resist the urge to contact him."
This is the place to do just that. Glad you found it.
At the end of the day.. be you. People will flock to it or run away.
That is all I have to say about that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Brief hijack: Hi Forest, good to see you're still around. >formerly S_C
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
"I agree with you 100%. I do. And I know from even in the past, it's SO out of character for me NOT to communicate with him it probably a good thing."
I suspect that you not talking to him is not that out of character for you. Think back on when you were just getting to know one another. What did you do.. how did you act?
We were joined at the hip. Talked about everything all the time. Very communicative on both sides... so this is out of completely out of character for me
"Then I guess I must decide for myself if I can live with the uncertainty of not knowing if he would kick me out the moment he got home to do that. I can't really verify it and stay dark"
You "turned" him loose. You made that choice. Now you are questioning that decision. Unexpected.. No. Not normal.. No. Did you break it off to prove a point or was it what you really wanted?"
I simply wanted to postpone the wedding. I didn't 'turn him loose' I certainly didn't want to have to move out come Feb when he gets back. I broke off the wedding to prove the point of .. we need to see if we can work as a couple before marrying. Not that I wasn't loving him and wanting to work on the R
"So I hope you wonderful people will be patient with me venting on here everytime I am trying to resist the urge to contact him."
This is the place to do just that. Glad you found it.
Thank you
At the end of the day.. be you. People will flock to it or run away.
