GH31 gave you some excellent advice but I just want to comment on one part:
Quote:
Originally Posted By: Nblost I did point out the challenge he has in comparing his "old" wife of 12 years to a new affair. H still doesn't seem to "get it".
OK.
You have identified a behaviour which doesn't work i.e. the “pointing things out”. So stop doing it. Remember the No. 1 rule of DBing – do what works, reject what doesn't work. And rule No. 2 is remember Rule No. 1.
He isn’t going to “get it” for some time. His brain is flooded with love chemicals which unfortunately makes sound judgment impossible until further notice. He literally is bodily incapable of “getting it” and will be until/unless the affair ends.
He definitely won't "get it" right now - but don't think that those comments don't enter his brain. It's like planting a seed. It's not going to sprout right away - but if he ever comes out of the fog, you may be surprised which of your comments really stuck. I think it's okay to point out to him that this is typical behavior - depressed, temporarily relieved by the brain chemicals and ezxcitement of an affair, but in the long run, he'll be back in the same place if he doesn't work on his stuff. So why not work on his stuff with his loving faithful wife and family?
He will deny it, but believe me, the occasional statement like that can have a gradual effect. Also just stating that it is possible to fall back in love with your spouse is something they need to hear once.
