Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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This would drive me crazy. I realize you have an agreement but it seems controlling to me. Talk more about that.

No way Labug...you would laugh if you knew me that anyone would accuse me of being controlling, I'm the opposite. I can see why you would read that into it however, it's all about how the conversation took place in terms of tone and expression.

This was more of a scenario like your spouse comes home from work every day at 7:00 at night, and tells you when they're going to be late.

One night you notice it's 8:00, they're still not home and you haven't heard from them. When you call them in that context, you're not being controlling if you're just concerned that something happened.

I didn't say "you're supposed to be in bed with me". I said, "why are you up so early on a weekend, what's going on?"

Does that make sense?

In my post-bomb phase, it was very important to me to take a really critical look at myself and understand what made me hard to live with -- how my actions contributed to the fall of our marriage. I really tried to put it all on the table and look at it objectively. I read books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Hold Onto Your Nuts" and I did not see myself at all in the "nice guy" profile. I have other issues and problems, but controlling is not one of them.

I have always viewed myself as being very independent, and when I got married 15 years ago, I was looking for a woman who would also be independent and wouldn't rely on me to make her happy, but would instead be someone I could share happiness with.

I have realized through this experience that (a) she's less emotionally independent than I thought she was, (b) I no longer feel the way I do when I got married and would now like more intimacy, and (c) some of the traits that initially attracted me with regard to the independence were really a smokescreen and are now creating issues for me in pursuing more intimacy.

I have always been supportive of her having her own life and doing whatever she wanted. We have separate bank accounts plus a joint one, because I don't want to know how she spends her money, nor do I care, that's up to her. When she wasn't working, I would deposit money in her individual account and there was no accountability for where that went.

In terms of a social life, I was extremely trusting. You want to go out to dinner with your male friend, have fun! I'll watch the kids. You want to go dancing with some people you know from town, have fun! Then I didn't sit at home and worry, or ask her about it when she got back beyond "did you have a good time?"

Part of the reason she was able to have a 6-month affair without my knowledge is that I'm not controlling and just trusted her implicitly. She told me at least once that she was going to dinner with OM and had me watch the kids.

Despite what's happened, I'm still not controlling, it's not in my nature. It went against my grain to tell her to have no contact with either OM. I did that at the urging of my DB coach.

I have always encouraged her to pursue her own happiness and continue to do so.

Maybe more of an answer than you were looking for, but I will not let you call me controlling!

(That was a joke)

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