Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[GH31]

Hi NB,

I keep hoping the six month mark may mean the fog could start to lift...

It’s good to have hope, but hope itself isn’t a plan.

I think it's a challenge because they are "sort of" long distance and I think H's job and her kids keep them apart some of the time he is in her city.

They’re having an affair and they’re addicts. They will find the time to have an affair.

My W’s EA/PA was as long distance as you can possibly get. We lived in Australia and the other person in England, 10,000 miles apart. It didn’t stop them.

I guess I do sense a subtle change and I think it is coming from the thought of losing me and the family.

The reality is beginning to dawn on him.

Lovingly allow the Reality Stick to do him as much damage as possible. If and when the affair ends he will likely be a total wreck for some time but it's in this broken state that human beings are most likely to make the changes necessary to have a thriving marriage.

I think everyone on here is right that I need to make him see the reality of living alone.

Please don’t try to “make him see it” not literally, rather allow him to see it.

H has always wanted a "string" back to me in case the affair didn't work out. I think having us go to counseling once a month may be that string.

So did my W and she went nuts when I took it away from her. We were living in Europe at the time and she moved in with her affair partner, all the while maintaining regular contact with me, as well as sex.

She went nuts when I told her I wouldn’t have it anymore, moved back to Australia and severed all contact with her.

Your husband wants a “string” back to you because you’re his loving wife and the mother of his children. His “family” in other words.

I got some of my GAL back yesterday...back at work, fun lunch with a coworker, hung out with kids, surfed around on match.com (I'm not going to date, but it's fun to look and helps to see there are other fish in the sea). I think over the holidays and being on our trip with H...couldn't do as much of that.

Good.

But tread carefully looking around on dating sites. When we’re done over by our spouses the temptation for us to do the same is enormous.

One place where I feel like I'm not totally DB-ing...H said it seemed like I had gotten more distant during his affair which seemed like how our marriage always was.

“DBing” is whatever works.

I'm not going overboard, but I'm trying to stay a bit warmer rather than being hard core LRT. For example, H was texting us a lot yesterday and I wasn't overly responsive...but at night, I said, "I miss having you home, good night"...he responded with several more texts about what he was doing and then said, "I miss being there too".

If you’re satisfied with how this approach is working for you, keep doing it.

I guess it's DB-ing if it's a 180...although I feel like I'm walking a fine line with it so don't want to be a total 180.

Again, “DBing” is whatever works. A 180 is one of several approaches in the arsenal. But, for it to be worth doing, it has to work.

I am hanging in there...I feel sad thinking about separating, but yet, I think I also welcome a move in a direction. And, I do keep coming back to what you are all saying...he'll never wake up if he can stay on his foggy fence.

No he will not. I can promise you that.