Journal: Sitting at the airport to head back to LA. Have a ton of emotions going on so I thought I would journal a bit.
I cried saying goodbye to my family. I haven't done that in awhile. I will miss them greatly. For almost 9 yrs. I really only missed my w.. Now I'm homesick for several people. I guess that what happens when you stop focusing/loving only one person.
I have a ton of feelings going on towards wife lately. It's all very confusing to me.
I do not look forward to going back to deal with D. There is still a small part of me that holds on to hope. I keep trying to make it die.. But it lingers. And I know everything is almost complete.
I also know that I am scared. All of our positive or weird interactions really took a number on me emotionally.. And although I realized that I allow it, honestly I'm not sure how to stop it.
It's a constant battle between wanting to work on my m and wanting to save myself and move on. Because for me... I just don't believe I can do both nor do I believe that by working on myself... I will potentially have a better r with my w one day.
Unless she changes... I believe the more I work on me.. The less likely I'll have anything to do with her.
In August, I dyed my hair blonde. Well I decided to do tips and although I originally wanted to dye them black.. I lived a little and got a pink purple...
...... And though I think my hair is kinda sexy, i had nightmares about w hating it. I'm afraid of what she'll say when she sees me.
And I'm trying my best to say "who cares what she thinks!!".. It's not really so much that I care if she likes it... It's more on if she is vocal about it and how she says it.
Why do I still want to be with a person who scares me??
Queen posted a link about passive aggressive relationships. Alot of it hit home for me.
And I don't want to be in one.. And even though my w and I aren't in a together.. The dynamic is still there.
I'm working on breaking the cycle. It's easy to do when w spews venom and acts like a fool.. But this being nice and seeming interested in me is much harder.
Because as much I would love to believe that the last several interactions could be the little positives mwd says to keep an eye out for, i am more inclined to think that she is feeling like she is losing control so that's what the past month was about.
Maybe that's me just trying to protect my heart.
My w didn't really open up and I think we both are to blame.. I also know that rather than tell me.. She would control. Ie.. Being fearful about me having friends because she was afraid I wouldn't need her anymore= the silent treatment when I got home from going out.
But I don't know how accept her feelings.. Because I feel like acceptance = right.
I mean.. I get the fear, but punishing me wasn't right.
Or the comments about my family.. Which again I understand.. But they are dying... So it's getting hard to not lash out.
Her Christmas is interesting because she chose it. Her dad would have loved for her to come home but she chose it. She s still angry at him. She makes comments about my family because she won't forgive.
And those are her demons... And although I still have compassion for her... There is a part of me (growing part) that is like "I understand, but quit taking it out on me." or "do something about it!"
Neither did I really express in our marriage. I just always let her be.. And never pushed her ( a complaint she had)
It's hard to push when you re scared.
I understand why she does what she does, says what she says..
.. But I'm seriously getting to where... I wouldnt say I don't care... But I don't want to be exposed to it anymore.
I feel like what I've been doing (Not reacting mostly) is good and working to a point, but only for me. It does not bring me closer to w.
And I keep telling myself that getting healthy Is the only shot I have at a great r.
That all of this is me still trying to hold onto my codependent ways. That its not unloving to want to walk away from a r that causes me harm. It's not wrong to not validate her feelings when she expresses them in abusive or hurtful ways.
But it still feels wrong. I still feel like I haven't tried everything.
I'm rambling.. Does this make sense? Am I falling off the db train?
I just don't know anymore.
How do I love her and myself at the same time because I constantly feel like I have to choose?
Feel free to slap me with a 2x4.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
