I would tell her about the promotion once it is confirmed. I would not ask about her filing for a D. You will know if you get served. Being in limbo will not be fun. It can take about 1 to 2 months to be served.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Sandi, thank you so much for the reply. It's great to hear a voice that's not from inside my own head.
The promotion would be a major re-assignment. It does not involve moving to a different city only a different campus/subsidiary company within our city, a location that is closer to our current home. The promotion will affect our family due to an anticipated increase in salary and other benefits, such as health insurance. Given that my current work has been the source of many problems for my W (my constant complaints about the job, the low salary, me being depressed about going in) and for me (same reasons) finally taking action by setting up a meeting with my boss and demanding the job was a LRT for me because it is such a radical change. My W has complimented me several times about my action in this area. She even said that I was acting more like my old, confident self! (One of the reasons that her decision to re-file hurts even more.)
I want to tell my W when the promotion comes and agree it would be unmanly not to do so. I am leary of falling into a R conversation though because I know how much the new job could change things for the M/R/Family in light of my past failures, especially in the financial area, and I feel I might be tempted to use the job to try to sell my W on giving the M another try. In light of your advice, I will provide the information when it comes and not try to manipulate it to an end that involves the R. Thanks again.
James I have read your thread and it seems that our situations are very similar. I'm praying for you buddy. Hang in there and keep working on yourself and continue DB.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Thanks, Rick. Good advice as nothing is confirmed yet. Being S and living under the same roof, dealing with the frustration of never knowing what exactly is going on or is going to happen next has been a heckuva study of being in limbo.
The timing of the filing is interesting because both W and I thought the boss would announce the promotion today. Given the hour, that does not appear to be the case. I believe I will get it but I hope that my W does not view of the lack of confirmation from the boss as another disappointment by me. I intend to be positive when I walk in the door, just as I have the entire time when discussing the promotion. Thanks.
Thanks, Leo. I will take all the prayers that you are willing to give. It means so much to know that I am not alone because so often that is the only way I feel, even when I am talking to a close friend and sharing some of my situation, because the person is not going through the same thing, even though the person is great and listening, there is still that distance. I appreciate the encouragement on the DBing. God willing I will continue to progress. I look forward to checking out your thread soon.
I believe I will get it but I hope that my W does not view of the lack of confirmation from the boss as another disappointment by me.
Do you mean as if you failed by not getting promoted?
When you get the promotion and tell your W, my advice is that you relay the news in a matter-of-fact way, so that to not give off any suggestions that that promotion would change her mind about the D. Does that make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, Sandi. Yes, I believe my W would interpret not getting the promotion as further evidence that things will not change for us/me. The boss told me today that it would likely be another week or so before he makes a final decision.
Matter of fact is it. Yes, it does make sense. Will do.
Also: W told me last night about filing. I said thanks for telling me, I need some time to think about it and then we can talk. She said that there was nothing to talk about. I said that I would listen to anything she wanted to say but that I wanted to think it through before saying anything more. She seemed very surprised at my reaction. I think she thought I was going to get angry or pursue or try to negotiate. She even came upstairs later to "check on the kids" and asked what I was doing. This morning before work she said that she wants to talk with me tonight (did not say about what). Her L sent me paperwork today for a hearing next month regarding how things will be while the situation. L is asking for her to have the house and kids until the D is final (maybe that's what she wants to talk about).
If she wants to discuss a D or S, you could surprise her even more by saying some like, "I agree that the M is not working". But you don't explain any futher than that. You've already told her you needed to think about some things before you would be ready to discuss it. Just b/c she calls the time and date (tonight) doesn't mean it works for you. Just listen, but don't talk. Think you can do that?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, absolutely. I need to remind myself that her wanting to discuss/resolve something so that she can feel better about her decision to D is not the same thing as me wanting to discuss the M/R. I will listen but not talk until I have had a chance to think things over completely. As always, thanks, Sandi.
Update: Brought dinner home last night and put on a kids' movie so the family could have a fun dinner out of the kitchen. W initially stayed in the kitchen then joined us for about 15 minutes then left saying she wanted to take a walk. While we were setting up for dinner W asked me about the promotion. I told her that the boss contacted me again and it was a positive conversation but that he said that he has not yet made a decision. W said that she feels positive about me getting it and then said that she wants me to get it and have success regardless of "what is happening with us." When I didn't say anything, she said, "you know that I want that for you, right? You deserve it." I said, sure and then left the room. W then re-engaged the job conversation two times while we were eating to say that she thought I was going to get it and to ask me how was I feeling about it. I said it's a big move away from what I have been doing professionally for a long time but that I was excited about it being a new adventure and that it would provide more financial security in the future (although I put this out there, I did not say more or try to use it as a R discussion, I just answered her question). W later asked about my plans for the weekend, telling me that she has no plans, and then asked about making arrangements to go out with one of her girlfriends. She said she wanted to continue the working together we have been doing. I said, sure, go, have a great time. Later, during the same conversation, W paid me a compliment about a project that I recently finished at home, saying I did it professionally.
Here is the thing: as a we interacted, I kept wanting to ask my W, why again are we getting D? We have not argued or had a negative interaction since the S (3 months). We are working very well together. We are focused on the kids. I have made big-time changes. I do not understand why my W wants to destroy our family when there has been so much progress. I want to talk to her about this but do not know if it is a good idea or even how to approach the subject. To me, I and the M/R have become what she said she always wanted but despite this, she is moving forward with the D, even letting me know by e-mail yestereday first thing in the morning that she signed up for the required children's class. I don't get it.
