Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[GH31]

NB,

My heart goes out to you, it really does.

H said maybe we should separate.

So he can carry on his affair with OW without any interference.

He doesn't feel like he can give up his A.

Of course he doesn't. He is addicted, completely and totally - at six months into his affair he will be utterly lost in thick, pea soup fog.

He'll be too bitter.

All about him and completely textbook i.e. as per the script.

We started talking about separation and I said I'll support that.

Good.

I did point out the challenge he has in comparing his "old" wife of 12 years to a new affair. H still doesn't seem to "get it".

OK.

You have identified a behaviour which doesn't work i.e. the “pointing things out”. So stop doing it. Remember the No. 1 rule of DBing – do what works, reject what doesn't work. And rule No. 2 is remember Rule No. 1.

He isn’t going to “get it” for some time. His brain is flooded with love chemicals which unfortunately makes sound judgment impossible until further notice. He literally is bodily incapable of “getting it” and will be until/unless the affair ends.

He claims that he and the OW have had to deal with reality in their relationship.

Seriously, let them. The reality of their relationship will be far different than their respective fantasies are currently. There’s nothing like a good, hard dose of reality to poison fantasy and if the person is deeply lost in the fantasy then it is necessary. Think addicts hitting “rock bottom”.

The reality of not having you, his loving wife, around to meet his needs that OW never could is something he hasn’t yet had to deal with.

H also doesn't know when OW will get divorced.

Does he know if OW and her hubby are getting divorced?

I think I feel better knowing he's conflicted and has some sadness.

His being conflicted is good. A good sign.

H also is hoping we can still do things as a family

Those, among others, are the needs I was talking about, the ones which OW could never fill.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Lovingly ensure that he doesn’t get to have his cake.

… and maybe go to counseling once a month while we are separated

Forget about it if the affair is still in place. If he is still having his A whilst you’re in counseling he’ll just lie to you and the counselor. People in affairs get extraordinarily good at lying to everyone about everything. They even get good at deceiving themselves. That is consistent with virtually every situation I have ever read on boards like this.

Thanks all for your support.

You’re more than welcome. Please take care of yourself and your little girls, and stay strong.