Our story

[sunshine76]

Hey Kolja, it sounds like you are doing great with DBing and GALing. Keep up the good work it will pay off in the end no matter what.

I wish that I had read those books earlier as well! Oh well I guess better late than never, but it sure would have been nice to get a handle on all of this stuff sooner.

Try to maintain your positive attitude through all of this it will make your life so much easier

[kolja]

You're not kidding. As I was reading the parts about 'more of the same' and what happens when you pursue I felt like I was reading an eyewitness account of the last 4-6 months! If only I knew in, say, early September what Ive learned in the last three weeks! But that's not a terribly productive line of thought so I don't indulge in it much.

My buddy's wife knows mine a little bit from when we were in the same squadron and after I told them the story of the last few weeks, she offered that she didn't think my wife REALLY wants a divorce. Intellectually I know there's not much basis to that statement (unless my friend's wife is clairvoyant or skilled in the Force or something) but its nice to hear. Sort of like taking an Advil doesn't actually fix an injury but can make your feel a little better for a while.

[kolja]

Today's my wife's sister's wedding. At the same time she told me she didn't want to spend Christmas together, my wife told me not to go, because it would be "awkward" - it's disappointing since I would like to have been a part of it, but I don't harbor resentment or anger of it because given the situation her request makes a certain amount of sense.

I did send my wife a text message around 10:30 or 11 this morning wishing her well, telling her I knew how much time and effort she'd put into it and that her sister was lucky. I didn't hear back, but then I'm sure the maid of honor is pretty busy.

I sent my sister in law a text message congratulating her and wishing her well, telling her I was sorry I would miss it. She had a really nice reply, thanking me, saying she'd miss me, and expressing a wish that she could fix whatever it was that went wrong (suggesting my wife didn't tell her family WHY she wanted a divorce, and perhaps may not have even told them she was the one who wants it - which is of course between her and her family) because she loved having me as part of their family. I said I liked being part of the family too, and said hopefully things would turn around...

...and then left it at that to go about the rest of my day. Found a half marathon in April, the normal 12K back in my home town (which attracts like 50,000 people), and another half marathon in June. I penciled them in on the calendar (I don't plan things in ink anymore, thanks to the Navy...) and flowed out a training calendar with the help of a plan I found on line. Also got a bit done around the house and read some more of Divorce Rememdy. And of course, PLENTY of football!!

[kolja]

Another minor step in the right direction - or at least positive enough that I'll take it.

Today (again via texts, I feel like its her comfort zone - and not just with me), we exchanged new year's greetings, and I said that I had hoped the wedding went well and that she had a good time. She replied that everything had gone really well. I said that she must feel really good about all that, considering all the work she had done. She said that she did, but that she was glad it was done! (There were 270 guests and it was quite a lot of work). I said it must be a huge relief for her. We pretty much ended it there. She definitely seemed happy that it went as well as it did, and DEFINITELY relieved it was over!

Claiming it as a small victory, and onto enjoying the rest of my Sunday night before yet ANOTHER day off (four day weekends are the BEST).

[kolja]

No contact at all since Sunday. I've kept busy and have not let it bother me too much.

However - a question for anyone who has knowlege of depression. I've READ, though not on depth, that careless spending can be a symptom/side effect/manifestation of depression. There's been a lot of spending by my non working wife - the last 4-6 weeks I can understand with Christmas and her sisters wedding, but in the months before that it was fairly frivolous. I'm trying to decide if it warrants a confrontation or not.

If its something to do with possible depression then confrontation might not be smart. If its manipulative ("I'll show him, I'll spend so much he HAS to divorce me!") or malicious ("not going to give me the settlement I want? Fine I'll just spend it") then I might have to confront her about it.

[2thepoint]

Depression or not, if the spending is creating a financial hardship then you should probably have a conversation with your W. Maybe it is time to separate finances? Just try not to be "confrontational" about it. Stick to the facts, seek to understand, offer some possible solutions, elicit solutions from your W and see where you land.

Good luck!

[kolja]

Well, the ABOVE question from earlier this evening is on the back burner again. True to schedule, tonight there was a text message discussion (argument?) about the divorce and spousal maintenance.

She asked if I was ready to settle, or if she needed a lawyer.

I said I couldn't stop her, and asked if she was still expecting $1000/mo for a year. She said yes, and I asked for another couple days to think about it (mainly so I could talk to Chuck and get some professional advice on how to handle the topic of discussion without making things worse). She said "Really??? Haven't I given you plenty of time??? I just want to get filed and move on..." I said I didn't understand why she was in such a hurry (that might be the one most 'NON-divorce busting' line I used - I was totally stalling). She replied it was was because she had been over this for a while and just wanted to be happy again, just wanted to be able to move on.

Here's where it got kind of interesting. Since her demands were so out of whack with what my self-protective legal consultation revealed to me, I asked her if she had even called a lawyer for advice on this, and said I was curious as to how we had such different expectations of how things would go.

She said she had, and that she thought she could get a hell of a lot more including the houses and investments. Which tells me either she DIDN'T talk to an attorney and is trying to bluff/intimidate me into giving her a 'golden parachute' out of the marriage, she misunderstood what the attorney said, the attorney she spoke to is incompetent, or the attorney she talked to is unethical and told her something completely incorrect to get her business or whatever. I looked up our state's laws on avvo.com, and they match what the attorney I talked to told me.

I told her that the attorney I had spoke to had told me something completely different - it was the first time I had mentioned talking to an attorney, but felt given the way things were going it wouldn't be a bad thing to mention. She predictably blew up, and said "you [expletive] disgust me" - I said I just got initial advice to make sure I understood things, and that I had a right to protect myself. She said "so do I, and you don't seem to understand things very well."

I asked if her attorney knew we had only been married 17 months now and that both houses had been acquired by me before the marriage. She said "yep... it's a community state."

Pause here if you need to let that one sink in, or do a double take. At this point I was glad we were texting (even if that meant she couldn't tell my calm demeanor in all this) because in person I'm pretty sure when she said that, I looked Keeanu Reeves in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" or Spicoli from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" with a stoner-worthy "huh????" face.

She then opined that it's been 17 months too long too - bait I refused to take (which, at the risk of tooting my own horn, I'm pretty proud of).

I sent her a link to the avvo.com page (a debatable move I guess - but at the same time, I think she needed to know I wasn't going to be taken advantage of and that this wasn't going to be the easy way out she seems to think it is) and reminded her that the houses and most of the investment assets are separate property. Then, since I had just got home from the gym (it's a short drive and no I wasn't texting and driving!!), I said I had to hit the shower and make dinner. She said "Whatever, I'm done with you."

So... I think gunny clearly hit the nail on the head last week or so when he said it sounds like she's frustrated.

[Rick1963]

KO let her learn the hard way. I did the same hoping she would change. It made things worse. My W thinks the same way.

[Rick1963]

Say noohing more about the process or the laws. Be calm and dignify

[kolja]

Well she certainly is going to find out, one way or another, that it's just not going to be that as easy and comfortable to bail as she seems to think it will be.