WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[2thepoint]

Really great post, WHG. Lots of introspection and self examination. Here's my take for what its worth:

"She said she appreciated the offer but she will move. I wanted to press her on what her plan was then... because I'm tired of the stress of her anger from sharing a room but not making any actions to actually move to a different room. She said she didn't know. She would figure it out next week. Ok. I offered. I don't know if I should just move, period, and say it's done. But I'm not comfortable without the commitment about the overnights."

Whether you realize it or not, the fact that you offered to move to another room is HUGE in your W's eyes. She won't tell you this but she has taken notice. Let her figure it out and if she doesn't move within a week, move yourself and be done with it. On nights where she won't be home, perhaps you sleep in the upstairs bedroom and she can sleep in the basement. Problem solved and you have created BIG SPACE for your W.

" At one point we were discussing that amount of time between telling them and moving. She said, "fine, then I'll move out earlier." My response was, "well that would fix that... move when you want, February, March not much difference and it would allow both of us to get on with our lives." She got madder after that."

Another HUGE step! She got mad because you basically gave her what she wanted but much earlier than she wants it. And you are showing her that you are detaching and her anger is really masking her fear, IMO.

"I took care of everything. I took care of stuff before she even knew it needed to be taken care of. I cooked, cleaned, shopped, did the budgeting, IT, outdoor stuff, child care... all of it. She consumed and consumed."

But did you ever tell your W what you want or need from the R? My guess is no and so you let resentment build.

"My W was rarely affectionate or intimate. We had sex maybe once a week or every other week. That was not enough for me. The lack of other intimacy was not enough for me. The lack of recognition was not enough either. I sacrificed for her and rarely got a thank you."

Another area where if you told your W what you want/need perhaps things would be different? Isn't it amazing how we don't realize how easy, answers to many of our problems don't even occur to us until we are in crisis?

"This made me an angry person, but I never told or confronted my wife. I never told her, never let her know. Instead I sublimated it... I thought I dug it deep and controlled it. I didn't. It came out..."

It always comes out though, doesn't it?!

"In July I had a colleagues at a conference proposition me for a one-night stand. I got to the point of walking her to her room, going into her hotel room, and then leaving because I couldn't. That scared me enough to go to my W and say things aren't good. We have problems and need to talk about them. She agreed. We talked. Six weeks later she dropped the bomb."

Regardless of your insecurities, don't you see that you have integrity, probably one of the most valuable of all human characteristics? And... that you realized that there were problems in your M and brought it to the attention of your W. How many of LBS would love to have had that realization before the bomb? Unfortunately we, you, all of us didn't have the DB tools in our hands when we needed them. Now we play catch up and hope for the best.

"I feel so god damn guilty about all of this. I look at the faces of my kids and can picture the pain they will have in just a few days and know full well it's my fault. Not all my fault, no, but much of it is. And I am trying... and I'm failing, repeatedly. Time is pretty much out and I haven't saved the day. I haven't been able to protect my kids from this truckload of pain heading there way... and that means I've failed. Dads protect their kids dammit. They stand in front of them and keep the world from kicking them. Except this time I'm the one kicking them."

Look, maybe you are guilty, maybe you are not. The reality now is that you must be strong for the kids. They will survive this and you can help ease their pain by being there for them. All of them. And as you continue to be there for them no matter what happens, you will grow and they will grow and their love and respect for you will grow as well. And maybe your W....

"I have stopped taking out my frustrations and anger at my W on my kids, especially SS. This has been the most profound transformation so far...

SS has told me he likes how we get along now. W has said she notices my new efforts at R with my SS. My R with all the kids is much stronger than five months ago, and this is the most beneficial outcome of all this mess quite frankly."

So there is a blessing here wrapped in some tough azz circumstances. Embrace this and know that you have been and are making a difference in the life of a young boy/man and that he will carry with him his entire life.

"I am heartbroken to think that this newfound R with my stepkids may get blown up by the divorce."

Who says the R with your kids has to suffer? This is something you can control if you continue to put forth the effort. Since telling my kids and moving out of the house back in mid-November, I feel like my R with my kids has gotten significantly stronger. Why can't your R with your kids grow as well?

"I still love my W. I still want a M with her. I don't know if that will ever happen. We will forever have an R of some type because we have kids. And maybe there will be an 11th hour reprieve, but I'm largely of the belief that we will have to go through the rabbit hole if we are ever to come out the other side."

You may very well be right, WHG. But you know what, if you make it through the rabbit hole and don't get lost somewhere in the endless tunnels, you may just come out of this stronger, wiser, more capable of developing and maintaining a lasting R with the next love in your life. And... that love may just be your current W.

Think as if!