Interesting week over Christmas and new years. Without all the details suffice it to say i had some successes, had some backslides and learned a lot. The roller coaster is absolutely crazy. From F you's the first part of the day, arguing about who is in a better position to be the primary caregiver to our kids, etc, to then reminding me to buy the tickets for our upcoming trip together. That was all yesterday to a pretty normal friendly day to day. Feeling good about myself one moment to anxiety attacks the next.
I get the list of 37, I do. But my kids, avoiding if possible them getting hurt, that is my framework. My backslides are both lack of understanding - not talking to family means about anything!, not just trying to avoid her side and intimate details. My efforts of thinking those conversations were helping me and showing her I could avoid her details was apparently impossible. Ok lesson learned. They are also about weakness - discussing the relationship, applying logic, trying to understand and cajole. I know, I know.
Happened to see something she was working on, a business plan, her leaving, she's defining what success for herself looks like. It's far away with my kids without me. Realized her focus is her future. She's made the decision, she has the power. I've been told time and time again I need to do the same thing, focus on my self, find a way to move forward.
I've been saying that to myself for two months. Still don't know what it means. I'm a husband and a father. I like it. It defines me. Back to my framework. My goal is to not have my kids get hurt. Within that framework, what does moving forward look like? What does focusing on me look like? How do I detach? How can read every possible definition of the word aloof and still not know how to do it? I love my kids.
