Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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Thanks Greenblue, we're getting definitely closer on your analysis I think.

Often enough LD spouses will complain that every hug and every kiss is an attempt to initiate. This can make the LD spouse paranoid and distrusting, removing the expectation often makes it easier for the spouse to see that you are showing love through hugs.

She did complain about this back in August but we took care of that by agreeing that she will be the one to initiate sex and I will never do anything to escalate. That has honestly worked very well in terms of fostering non-sexual physical connection.

I suspect that when you have sex with your wife it must feel like she is a limp doll to both of you. For you it's obvious, she's just not into it. For her she probably feels that you are doing this to "meet your needs". She probably thinks if she doesn't put out you might go looking for another "doll" a prettier one with more interactive features.

It's not nearly that bad! I wouldn't put up with limp doll, that would be over my line. She does put some effort into it, and she does seem to want to make sure I enjoy it *sometimes*. On rare occasions it's really good. It depends where her head is. The worst part for me is when I tell her I enjoyed it or it was good, and she says "I'm glad you enjoyed it". She never says she enjoyed it too or agrees it was good. I confronted her about that a couple weeks ago and she said she felt like her feelings shouldn't matter because it's for me. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Now my MC said that some women just don't have a sex drive and there is nothing wrong with that. He was encouraging me to just accept it, or decide that I need to make an ultimatum and be prepared to leave, but he said I can't ride the fence of just being dissatisfied and pushing for more. If he's right, then I'm being a real bastard by not just accepting her for who she is, and I think about that too.

She probably can't wrap her head around the notion that you want her. So while you are on a moratorium strive for nonsexual intimacy. Let her feel loved physically without sex. Let her know that you strive to feel close and connected, let her start feeling that connection and hopefully start craving it.

Yes, that's the plan, thank you for articulating it for me, that's what I'm looking to do. She has said that she thought I would leave without sex, and I know because of her feeling "unworthy" she doesn't want to believe that I want her.

I also think she's scared to want me to some degree because of all it implies. She's probably looking at it as a lot to sign up for. I read on someone's thread, maybe Crimson's, how a lot of the LBS's tend to be achievers or perfectionists. Even if we don't turn our expectations toward our spouse, just being around us can be exhausting as they assume they are being judged and evaluated for everything. I know she feels that way and I have that effect on her. On a given weekend day, she might sit on the couch and read a book or watch TV, and I'll be outside working on the yard. Although I really don't care at all if she's working or not, the knowledge that I'm working undoubtedly makes her uneasy. Take that example and apply it to everything and achievers are a big pain in the ass to be married to.

I would like W to realize that she is more than adequate for me, I love her. I don't judge her the way I judge and measure myself. The MC seems to "get" this dynamic, and I'm hopeful he can help us work it out next week.

I understand why my personality type can be so hard, but I'm fundamentally a good, giving, honest person and I do believe this is a solveable issue.

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