WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

It's been a pretty tough day... lot of introspection and thought today. Only a very brief interaction with W. I approached her after I got home and after she got up. I asked her to order three children's books on divorce. She has an Amazon Prime account that came with her Kindle, and I had already been to our local bookstores looking for these books. I want them here by the weekend, and she agreed. She had planned to buy some as well.

The second topic was the sharing of the bedroom. Following 2TP's suggestion I told her I will move to the basement. I had priced beds this morning and would move if that will relieve the tension. Only issue... first, on nights she works overnights I want to stay upstairs. I don't want our three little kids staying alone upstairs while I'm two stories downstairs. This came about because S5 woke up last night at 3:30 a.m. with this recurring leg pain he has. He came in to my room limping and crying. I can't imagine having him go down two sets of stairs this way. She said she appreciated the offer but she will move. I wanted to press her on what her plan was then... because I'm tired of the stress of her anger from sharing a room but not making any actions to actually move to a different room. She said she didn't know. She would figure it out next week. Ok. I offered. I don't know if I should just move, period, and say it's done. But I'm not comfortable without the commitment about the overnights. Just frustrated. At this point I am leaving it in her court.

And that was it really. I volunteered in son's school this afternoon. That was fun and he loves it so much. But it was hard... just very emotional today. Keep thinking what is coming at the kids and they just don't know it. It breaks my heart over and over.

@oldtimer. I said something similar actually to what you posted. At one point we were discussing that amount of time between telling them and moving. She said, "fine, then I'll move out earlier." My response was, "well that would fix that... move when you want, February, March not much difference and it would allow both of us to get on with our lives." She got madder after that. Oh well.

A previous poster asked who I was before my sitch... and I do know who that is. I have been able to be honest with myself and find those faults.

I am a guy with insecurities... I am a fixer... I like to find women in "trouble" and parent them into a better state. Fundamentally I don't know if I'm worth spending time with or being married to. Hence I find a "fixer upper" who will have a lower standard of acceptance. I remember when my W and I started dating that I would think "she's a single mom with two little kids... she's probably willing to 'settle' [for me]." Part of it goes to looks and part of it goes to how I've valued myself. I've long required a partner to validate who I am and what I'm worth. I've long felt that my W, at least looks-wise, is a few levels above me and that I've always been married out of my element (though my W would adamantly disagree with that).

I was the prototype Mr. Nice Guy. I never made my w mad. I took care of everything. I took care of stuff before she even knew it needed to be taken care of. I cooked, cleaned, shopped, did the budgeting, IT, outdoor stuff, child care... all of it. She consumed and consumed. My W was rarely affectionate or intimate. We had sex maybe once a week or every other week. That was not enough for me. The lack of other intimacy was not enough for me. The lack of recognition was not enough either. I sacrificed for her and rarely got a thank you.

This made me an angry person, but I never told or confronted my wife. I never told her, never let her know. Instead I sublimated it... I thought I dug it deep and controlled it. I didn't. It came out...

It came out through my dismissive attitude of her concerns. Of me trashing and judging her friends and her family. It came out as being terribly critical of her, even when I thought I was Mr. Supportive. Most tragically perhaps it came out as passive agressive anger at our stepson.

I don't believe I ever consciously was mean or vicious to SS. But deep down I knew SS is mom's baby, and attacking him was the best way to extract my revenge. And I did... over and over... often cloaked in the disguise of "hard but good parenting".

I also was the guy who got comfortable. Ignore the problems and let life go. I put on about 60 pounds from when we first met.... getting up to 258 at one point. About three years ago, if I'm honest with myself, I knew my marriage was in trouble. I found myself being attracted to online dating sites and affair sites. I would peruse the ads and get a high. I never contacted anyone, just lurked. Have never had a PA or an EA, then again those opportunities never presented themselves either (though perhaps that's because I wasn't actively seeking them). At one point I even found myself looking at escort ads. Again, no consumption but the thrill of it. Instead of engaging my W and figuring out what the problems were I ignored them. I essentially kept one foot out of our M ready for an off-ramp if I needed one. In July I had a colleagues at a conference proposition me for a one-night stand. I got to the point of walking her to her room, going into her hotel room, and then leaving because I couldn't. That scared me enough to go to my W and say things aren't good. We have problems and need to talk about them. She agreed. We talked. Six weeks later she dropped the bomb.

But I grew up in a house where my mom stayed married to my dad who was a pretty bad husband. Years later we learned that he was a bad husband because of a serious and misdiagnosed medical condition he had for almost a decade. But my mom hung in there... no matter how bad it got, she stayed. So I learned to keep the woman happy and to stay by your spouse no matter what. But my mom and dad would have these terrible, terrible fights so I avoid conflict with my partner at all costs. Hence, despite my feelings I never told my W how dissatisfied I was. I never told her that I was unhappy. But to keep her from seeing this I did not engage her. Hence when she was depressed and slipping further and further into her depression I wasn't there for it. I left her alone to fight her depression and self-doubt. And as I have learned that is one of the cardinal sins...

As I've looked at the posts that most get me defensive they are when they intimate or say that I'm just not trying hard enough. Those comments hit me right in the guilt button. I feel so god damn guilty about all of this. I look at the faces of my kids and can picture the pain they will have in just a few days and know full well it's my fault. Not all my fault, no, but much of it is. And I am trying... and I'm failing, repeatedly. Time is pretty much out and I haven't saved the day. I haven't been able to protect my kids from this truckload of pain heading there way... and that means I've failed. Dads protect their kids dammit. They stand in front of them and keep the world from kicking them. Except this time I'm the one kicking them.

So that's the guy who I was before. Who am I now? A work in progress. I am trying to be less judgmental... not easier after a life of judging, but working. I find myself talking with my W about mutual friends and it's so easy to slide back into judgment of them... but who the hell am I to judge?

I have lost 45 pounds from that high point. My target is 175. I lift weights and exercise almost every day.

I stand up to my W... more. I don't do it enough or as strongly as I should. But I have started picking battles. I have told her it's not ok to trash her XH in front of the kids, and she stopped. I have told her the kids feel disappointed and hurt when she is gone for the weekend and doesn't call or talk to them... that she doesn't have to talk to me at all, but that they need and want to talk to her. She has called every weekend she's gone to talk and check on them. There have been a few others. This is still something I am bad at. My heart jumps in my throat every time and I absolutely hate the feeling, but I'm getting used to it.

I have stopped taking out my frustrations and anger at my W on my kids, especially SS. This has been the most profound transformation so far. Deatching has helped... the anger isn't there to process because I am trying to not tie myself to her actions. SS has told me he likes how we get along now. W has said she notices my new efforts at R with my SS. My R with all the kids is much stronger than five months ago, and this is the most beneficial outcome of all this mess quite frankly. But it's not perfect.. I can still feel days where I'm not detached, where W does something that gets me upset, I sublimate, and suddenly I'm sliding back towards old me. Relaxation exercises and meditation have also helped me in this area.

I am heartbroken to think that this newfound R with my stepkids may get blown up by the divorce. I am heartbroken that my unwillingness to face the music when I first heard it means I may never be my W's partner again.

I don't doubt that I will find someone someday if I want. I still love my W. I still want a M with her. I don't know if that will ever happen. We will forever have an R of some type because we have kids. And maybe there will be an 11th hour reprieve, but I'm largely of the belief that we will have to go through the rabbit hole if we are ever to come out the other side.

And god bless if you if you actually got through that entire post