The question, you answered it literally, and that is great. I was speaking in a broader sense of whether you are willing to look within and do the necessary work or just pay lip service to it.
As far as specifics to the controlling behaviors...
I will touch on the letter to the teachers was controlling, the wanting to smooth over the talk with the kids by taking the whole family to the pool is controlling...
Control doesn't have to be overt, stopping someone's behaviors. It can occur much more subtly.
I can't do your work for you. Google controlling behaviors and see if there is anything you can identify with.
I agree that there are differing opinions here. Differing approaches. Some things work for some, other things work for others.
Personally, I won't give you the standard "do this, do that" kind of advice. I don't want you simply doing something because it was suggested. I will try to make you think with a DB frame of mind.
What Oldtimer and others suggested about having the conversation in public, wasn't a bad idea. It wasn't necessarily about miminizing her reaction, you can't control what she choose to say or do, but it did keep you from escalating the situation. You controlled yourself when in private, you may not have done that.
As far as posters pushing back, responding to other posters, you can push me all you want, that is not an issue for me. I have been in shoes that aren't that different from yours. I have been asked the tough questions. I tried to avoid them for a long time. Finally, I had to look at the stings. I had to answer the questions.
If something stings, if something makes you feel defensive, it really is something that you should look at.
Anyway...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
