living in limbo

[sayitaintso]

Good post ^^^^^ mishka. Give him as much space as you possibly can and detach emotionally from his actions as much as possible. Maybe give yourself a short time line goal say until Feb. 28 you are going to not take personally anything he says or does and you will not pursue him. Just focus on you and the kids. Due to him moving and his job, logistics, etc.. I imagine he is going to be a little bit volatile during the next month or two so the more you can detach I think the better off you will be.

Best!!

[learning2listen]

Mishka and Say..both of you seem to have the same insight I have been getting lately, my only concern is this seems to be such a long time...I mean he left in August...Maybe I am just too impatient,,

But he does seem more volatile of late, and I really havent spoken to him, except when I tried to clarify the "friendship" which really ticked him off...

I know alot of this is he has the ability literrally to tune everything out... but I would think eventually he will have to face it... which will probably just mean I am postponing the inevitable.. He will justify the d with the fact we dont talk... which is his doing.. so here I sit confused as to whether or not i am doing the right thing by detaching and not contacting...

Any advice from anyone out there would be so appreciated!

[mishka422]

L2L - August? I hate to break it to you but that's isn't that long. I don't like to use MLC as a catch all reasoning for why these WAS do this, but your H's action do sound a bit characteristic in some respects. A person who goes through that kind of inner turmoil can take years to come out of it in some cases. Example, my xh took 3 years. I've heard of others who didn't wake up for 10+ years. You just never know. It depends on how deeply they are holding it and if they are doing anything on their own to deal with the issues.

I'm not telling you this to discourage you or tell you there is no point in waiting for him, I'm only trying to give you some guidelines.

Again, what he is doing has nothing to do with you and your life or the lives of your children. I found it extremely helpful to move on in my life as if my xh had died. I didn't communicate much with him. Our son didn't care one way or the other so I was pretty lucky in that respect.

Explain to me what you define 'doing the right thing' as. Doing the right thing to save your M or doing the right thing to save yourself? If it is only being done to save the M then it won't stick. You have to save yourself first. If detaching pushes him away further then that is his issue. Detaching is not ignoring and treating like a stranger. Detaching is simply not allowing his decisions and actions to dictate what you are doing in and with your own life. Capiche?

[learning2listen]

as far as "doing the right thing" I mean going on with my life as if he is not in it.. finding myself and taking care of my kids.. It is incredibly hard to do. I dont worry so much about what he is doing I worry more that he will somehow hold this against me also.

By that I mean, he will say I wasnt there for him when he needed me.. I dont contact him at all. Unless there is something urgetn to be dealt with, or children related. But I do feel like it will bite me in the butt. I feel as though working through my own issues will ultimately be the best for me and my kids.

[mishka422]

Have you said the words to him "The door is open when you are willing to work on our R"?

If so, then you are simply looking out for yourself and how he perceives your actions is simply that....how he perceives them. You aren't responsible for his understanding anymore than he is responsible for yours.

[learning2listen]

I have not said those words exactly, but something along those lines... originally we were going to take it slow and have lunch once a week and try to re-connect, then the transfer with work happened and that of course ended..I believe he knows where I stand, and I think I would look foolish if I said it now.. almost as though I was trying to pursue again..

[mishka422]

Yes, if you've already given him that then there is nothing more that needs to be said.

You will have to decide how much interaction with him is too much. If it starts to hurt you or keeps you from doing things in your own life then it would be time to rethink it.

Only you can decide what will work for you.

[learning2listen]

I think I will just take your advice, he knows my feelings, it will be hard to not wonder what he is up to, but really it doesnt involve me right now..

[learning2listen]

heard from h today, here is what he said:

"i am lonely and bored,when I am not at work, i havent had a day off since i've been here. i am tired, i need to see d, i will probably come down next week. how are you?"

I replied with I am sorry, i have been worried you would be working so much, I am ok, both kids have been sick and I have to travel next week for work, d would love to see you.

He replied that he will come on tuesday and hoped we were all feeling better, and if his mom was going to help while I was gone.

I said yes and that i hoped he had a great day and weekend, he replied I hope you do as well.

Not sure how to take this, but its communication... I wont reply again. we wil see if he comes on Tuesday, d misses him alot, and is now starting to call him "stupid" I correct her and say he is working really long hours, she says "mom, you work 2 jobs, but still have time for me." I cant argue with her, but I dont bash him... he needs to make more effort.

Its going to be a long weekend preparing for the trip, and getting the kids all situated... keeping myself busy helps to not think about it...

[BFloat]

good for you for not bashing H. i think your comment to H that d would love to see him was perfect. HE will now need to make more effort.