Journaling, rambling ...Hmmm My sitch has me confused. My W moved out ( 2 miles away), I'm in the house with my two boys. I see her everyday... She stops by to have coffee, see the kids, help clean or do laundry. W even offered to help out & drive me around when my car was in the shop & she meets us at the gym nearly everyday. Oh ya...she is even hosting a "welcome home/ 12th night of Christmas" party for me at our house Friday night. Yup...She still talks about D, met with a L. No paperwork put together yet...but I'm sure its still coming. We have nice conversations, when I'm not back-sliding and mentioning the R I'm really trying. I've been back for two weeks & have had three IC appts, GAL'ing like crazy, & my W and kids have noticed that I'm way more even-tempered, patient, optimistic and out-going. I was working on some of that stuff while still deployed...but now that I'm home, I'm focused 100% on being a better ME. Some days are better than others. The uncertainty scares the &%(#@ out of me though. I'm not fighting my W on the D.... I told her that I won't stand in her way if she wants to leave, that I would prefer to work it out and have a better, new R. Said that once or twice... won't bring it up again. I told her that I'll sign & agree to anything reasonable- just put it together. I won't help her with the paperwork though...it would be like building my own gallows. I imagine that I'm in quick-sand, stop struggling & I might survive this mess. Patience...I know...it is so hard, I know it will take time, but I love her so much. Seeing her as often as I do makes it so painful - I just want to hold her. I'm working on validating & respecting her more. When times were really tough, I had a short fuse, would say hurtful things. I was never, nor would I ever be physical ... but I'm kinda big, she is petit & it frightened her. I was wrong and I'll never return to that immature mind-frame again. I've made such improvements- just want her to feel safe, validated & repected always. Its a long road, but I've begun the journey and won't look back. My quotes for the day; "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be" -Lao Tzu "faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."-Martin Luther King
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm really trying. I've been back for two weeks & have had three IC appts, GAL'ing like crazy, & my W and kids have noticed that I'm way more even-tempered, patient, optimistic and out-going. I was working on some of that stuff while still deployed...but now that I'm home, I'm focused 100% on being a better ME. Some days are better than others. The uncertainty scares the &%(#@ out of me though. I'm not fighting my W on the D.... I told her that I won't stand in her way if she wants to leave, that I would prefer to work it out and have a better, new R. Said that once or twice... won't bring it up again. I told her that I'll sign & agree to anything reasonable- just put it together. I won't help her with the paperwork though...it would be like building my own gallows. I imagine that I'm in quick-sand, stop struggling & I might survive this mess. Patience...I know...it is so hard, I know it will take time, but I love her so much. Seeing her as often as I do makes it so painful - I just want to hold her. I'm working on validating & respecting her more. When times were really tough, I had a short fuse, would say hurtful things. I was never, nor would I ever be physical ... but I'm kinda big, she is petit & it frightened her. I was wrong and I'll never return to that immature mind-frame again. I've made such improvements- just want her to feel safe, validated & repected always. Its a long road, but I've begun the journey and won't look back. My quotes for the day; "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be" -Lao Tzu "faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."-Martin Luther King
