Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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Good stuff Greenblue. I did explain the no sex strategy, I told her it was a source of tension and we don't need that right now, we can eliminate that for now and work on other things. She thought that eliminating sex was a step backwards, and that our sex life doesn't create any issues for her. She thinks that abstaining will make me very unhappy and she's worried about that.

I definitely see the different between giving me sex and giving herself to me. That was well explained in Passionate Marriage and I did discuss that with her. That lead to the "you don't accept me as I am" discussion.

In a way you are accepting scraps, you are taking whatever she decides to throw your way and are expected to be grateful for it. Instead you should focus on getting the sex you want, going no sex sends a powerful message that until she can be the passionate woman you desire you are not interested.

Yep. Although I haven't framed it in the context of the second sentence. I definitely haven't suggested I'm doing this because I'm expecting her to change. Maybe it's clearly implied, but if it is, that would feed right into "you don't accept me as I am", and that leads to "if this is going to work, you have to accept me as I am". That's her setting a boundary -- I'm not going to change and if you don't get with the program I'm gone.

Right now she values you enough to toss some scraps at you whenever she is not stressed. Does she value you enough to let go of her own sexual hang ups?

Personally I'm in the early stages of being valuable to my W and showing her that she is loved by a wonderful man who knows and respects himself and her, but that's the theory I'm working on.

Good stuff. She does not value me enough to let go of her sexual hangups, she's drawn a line there. She has on a couple of occasions let me try things that she wouldn't before, but within a couple days she'll circle back around and tell me how hard that was for her and how she really didn't like it at all, but she's willing to do it for me. (Uh yeah, no thanks!)

She's presented that if I demand something sexually she'll do it, but she won't enjoy it and it will permanently make her feel worse about herself, but if I want it, come get it. This doesn't have to do with any deviant sexual fantasies I'm trying to fulfill at her expense, it has to do with trying to engage her as a partner and let me please her versus me always be the one being pleased.

So that's strange -- she values me enough to do whatever I want for my benefit, but if I want to do something for her benefit, she'll walk away.

She'll do what I want if I ask, but will do it with a bad attitude and then circle back around and tell me how bad it was.

On the "no sex" front so far, it's been empowering. It's awesome not going to bed thinking that all the conditions are right, the table is set, and then have it not happen. Now I just don't worry about it and go to sleep. I spend no time wondering if it's going to happen because I know it's not. It's so different not having sex by choice versus not having sex because you've been denied. On the other hand, it hasn't been a full week yet -- we'll see how empowered I feel three weeks from now!

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