Together since we were 15.

[BklynMom]

I think you should no longer say "None of your business" it comes off as bitter. Just tell him the truth if you went out or you didnt or you could say I prefer not to talk about this with you.

[Jenna333]

GB, the alcohol issue isn't tied to sex at all. It was just a sore spot in our relationship because he'd go out drinking behind my back. He'd drink a LOT when he would drink. He isn't a violent person at all. He was just very irresponsible. We had 2 kids by the time he was 21. I was actually 7-8 months along on his 21st birthday. He still has some growing up to do.

Our sex life was actually getting better and better until I became depressed at the beginning of the summer. Then he started disconnecting from me. Now I know he was falling out of love with me at that time I know he wanted sex a bit more than he was getting, but mostly he wanted me to cuddle him more. I was pretty depressed and down in my own hole.

The changes I'm making are changes that he wanted me to make while we were together. He wanted me to be happy. He knew that the way I was living wasn't making me happy. By creating my own happiness and having my own life, I'm going to have so much to bring to a new relationship, whether it's with him or someone else someday. I'm learning to not take your partner for granted. I've also learned that they won't always stick around even when they said they always would, nor should they. I know that I should have done so much more for him. I should have cooked more for him. I should have cuddled him whenever he wanted to, rather than pushed him away. I've soaked everything in, and I'm not about to forget it. I literally feel like I've awoken from a coma. I'm going from a sedentary, codependent, lazy, unhappy lifestyle to one filled with goals, new love for myself, independence, and even hope for the future.

Bklyn, I know what you mean. I about smack myself in the forehead when 'none of your business' comes out of my mouth. I didn't go out. I guess I don't feel like it is his business. I remember less than a week after he dropped the bomb, I asked him if he was planning on dating anytime soon. He looked at me and said that it wasn't my business. That cut me to my core. I was a sobbing, dreadful wreck, and he could be so cold to me? I know I don't want to be that way. From now on I'll just tell him I think it would be best if we didn't talk about our social lives. I have said that to him. He just keeps asking. I guess it just shocks me each time that he asks after saying he won't anymore.

[Jenna333]

He called me last night at 10:40. My heart was thundering in my chest. He asked to take the kids earlier today than we had planned. He could have easily texted me or just called this morning like he normally would have (he's not taking them until probably 11ish). He sounded like he wanted to hear my voice. That was the first time he's called at night like that (at work, no less) since leaving (except when he stayed the night Christmas Eve and called to ask if we needed anything). Anyway, he spoke softly last night. He asked me if I had a good New Years. I cried after hanging up. Only for a minute. I had been wanting him to call and say he misses me or something. It was unreal to see his number pop up on my phone that late at night.

[Jenna333]

Well, the therapy appointment went well, I guess. Maybe because it was the first appointment so I did a lot of talking about my past and current situation, but it didn't feel much different than talking to a friend. I didn't get much feedback. She was nice and understanding. Not sure I'll go back. I'll play it by ear. I think I'm coping pretty well right now.

I've had kind of a bad day! My face is really breaking out and I woke up with my right ear completely plugged. I feel out of it, too. My 4 year old was up from 2-3am because he had a bad dream, and it kind of messed up my sleep for the rest of the night.

When ex dropped off the kids, he looked happy to see me. He was staring at me like he used to. Like he was longing for me. I did much better today with being friendly and lighthearted. As soon as he walked in, he told me that he printed out a return shipping label for me for the coat he bought me for Christmas (it was too big). I appreciate that he remembered to do that without my asking. He could tell I felt out of it, and he said he wanted to hug me. I just laughed, but didn't accept the offer. We were talking about a TV show that we used to watch together, and he joked about me having a crush on the main guy. Then he lowered his voice and asked if I ever had a crush on him during our R. I said oh yes, and spoke of specific times. He smiled and said, 'those were good times.' He tried hugging me at goodbye, and I giggled and shook his hand. I giggled so he wouldn't feel bad. I wanted to keep the tension away.

God, I miss him. I love to see him smile.

[Jenna333]

This is the hardest day I've had in a while. Could I please get some support and feedback?

Just before noon today ex showed up to get the kids. I had a financial aid appt at my college. After he loaded up the kids, he walked over to me and told me how proud he is of me. He said, while fighting back tears, "Look at how far you've come already. I am so proud of you. It is so great to see you find happiness within yourself, and it must feel great to know that you can control your own life." I told him that it does feel great, and that I wish I'd have figured it out ages ago, but I can't change it now. He looked regretful.

While at the appointment, I felt out of it. I swear, the only songs on the radio in the car were break-up songs! After a while I just turned the music off, but I could see and hear the mistakes I'd made in the relationship play out in front of me, and I felt I couldn't shut them off. I feel so regretful that I didn't take charge of my own life while we were together.

After I got into my car after the appt, I called him so we could meet my BFF and she could witness us signing the affidavit of paternity papers. I figure that at this point, it's not horrible for me to bring up R talk. This just seems like such a different situation from many that I've read about on here. He brings up R talk almost every time I see him. Anyway, all I said to him was that this is so bittersweet, getting my life together, because it's wonderful, but I can't share my excitement with him the same way anymore. He said, "I know what you mean. If you'd done all of this while we were together, we'd probably have amazing celebratory sex." Ha. I wish we could now I felt that weak and missed him that much that if the timing had been right, I know we would have done just that. Some days I feel so strong, and others I feel like I'll do anything to be close to him. It's so hard.

After signing the papers, he invited me to go to the park with them and I went. We then went to his mom's house (nobody home, which I was glad about, since that would have been very awkward) because they wanted me to meet the puppies his mom got. Ex handed me a puppy and watched lovingly as she licked my face and tried to claw my shirt off, haha. It was just such an emotional day. When it was just about time to leave, I started crying. He stood up and hugged me. Oh my god, it felt so good, and so awful at the same time He said, "I know, this is so hard." I told him that I miss him, and he said he misses me, too. SCREW THIS! I hate this so much It's just cruel that I needed this to wake me up, and it's too late to be together. It just can't be true. Once again he said he feels like he's the reason I didn't get my life together. I don't want him feeling like I'm better off without him. I've told him countless times that I held myself back. It was MY choice.

I bawled the whole drive home.

[greenblue90]

He's definitely playing a weird game.

Then again if he is depressed its not that surprising. He probably considers himself some sort of martyr for you to find your happiness. As you have mentioned this is more about him trying to convince himself that he is being honorable by leaving.

What a cop out.

The honorable thing is for him to pass his classes and be a good partner and father.

IMHO if you get to the point where he is doing the "oh woe is me" act. It's ok to calmly and lovingly tell him that if he misses you so much, maybe he should end this terrible situation and come back. As long as you watch how you say it, and don't beg it shouldn't come off as needy.

The overall message should be:

The ships is ready to set sail, you are more than welcome to join me, but you better be sure that you want to, and you better do it before its too late.

Sometimes the WAS will hesitate to return because they feel the LBS won't take them back. It's important they understand this is not true, without coming off as desperate or needy.

[Jenna333]

Thank you for responding, GB.

I have let him know that it's not too late to come home, and that's when he panics a little and says he isn't coming home any time soon and that he doesn't know what he wants. This is why I'm so confused.

This morning when he was telling me how proud he is of me, he told me all he wanted out of this (leaving me) was for us each to be happy. We weren't happy together, that is true, but it could change. We could be happy together.

He also said he doesn't feel responsible for the steps I'm making now, just that he knew it would have to come to this in order for me to wake up. How I wish that weren't true.

[Jenna333]

I'm just wondering why I'm not getting many responses I look forward to posting here and getting feedback. I want to be going about this right, and I'd like some insight as to how my ex is acting toward me. A friend pointed me to this place, as she had a lot of support here a few years ago. I feel like my thread is mostly a journal I seem to only have 1 'follower' (that I appreciate very much). I'm reading through other long threads and haven't had much of a chance to respond yet (on part 3 of a thread series). I'll be responding to others, and I am reading.

I'm not trying to be a whiner. This is just the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and I thought I'd be getting more help, that's all.

[km2ct]

Hey Jenna
I just started following you so I will chime in I will chime in to say I think you are doing great! You aren't alone in being confused by your ex's actions. My story is completely different from yours and most on here but I come on here just to read people's stories and know that I'm not alone in the pain and the confusing relationship status. Your story about the sexy outfit and his response to that was really confusing. You're sure there's no OW right? When my H cheated last summer I insisted for weeks that there was NO WAY he would ever cheat and finally my cousin convinced me to look into it and lo and behold, he had had a one night stand, got drunk and angry one night It's the worst feeling I've ever had in my life.
Not something you want to hear but something to think about. Hopefully that's not the case and he's just having a young MLC. I'm keeping up with you though and like I said, you're doing great, and you're NOT ALONE!!

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Jenna,
Sorry for your pain. This is hard. So very hard...

I had a WAW a year ago. We almost fully reconnected but now I've almost made the decision to leave. We have a MC session today and I will be asking for a trial separation.

The pain in the first few months is excrutiating. Almost to the point of unbarable. But you will bare it, and you will make it.


As for your H, he is Mr. king Sh*t right now.

He has your emotions on remote control. And he knows it. He can make you cry, laugh, be sad, get you excited... That is too much control.

STOP being so available. Guess what, you WILL be OK without him. And he needs to know it. He needs to see it. He needs to feel it.

No more weak, sorry, "wooh as me" meetings anymore! No more sad phone calls, no more crying in front of him.

And NO MORE R TALK. If he starts discussing R than politely change the subject.

That comment about SEX was an absolute mind f*ck! DO NOT let him be so free to discuss these things. He has decided for you to be a friend, not a lover.

the ONLY way to get him back (if thats what you want) is to leave him alone and GAL.

Not trying to be harsh and believe me when I tell you that I am not making light of the pain and hurt you are going through.

When it hit me I lost 20 lbs, couldn't sleep or eat or work or even go to the gym. It hurts I know. But stay strong.

You are worthy of love. Intense and extreme love. Don't let his issues and hang ups make you believe otherwise.

Good luck! ((J))