Hey AC- We're praying for you. I wish that there was a short-cut through the healing process. So many D Lawyers are a scourge & seem to enjoy aggrivating R issues - I was told that my state splits everything nearly 50-50 regardless of fault. You're getting great advice here. Hang in there P
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ac, Sorry to hear your latest news. I agree, I am happy to see 2011 go away and am hoping that 2012 will be better.
Amen. My new years eve sentiment was "2011, don't let the door hit you in the.." well, you know.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
My Dear John letter was interesting, primarily how it highlighted my STBX mindset, which seems to have been set long ago. The letter contained a few main points:
1. Our M has failed and will never recover, and she hopes the letter will bring closure
2. The primary reason for the failure is that she is unable to trust me. Once the trust is gone, it can never be rebuilt. This is based on my denying a transgression that occurred 7 years ago, four years before our current issues. This is her focal point, and any missteps she took pale in comparison. I have always freely admitted to my contribution to the problems in our R, but the situation is now cast as completely my fault
3. She argues that our mutual alcohol consumption contributed to our problems. She has not noticed the decrease in consumption that has occurred over the last couple of years.
4. She needs to be totally honest in her life, no matter what the consequences. "in that spirit", she tells me she is visiting the OM for 3 weeks over the holidays, has become very close to him, and that "they believe they have a future together"
5. She thanked me for all the good times during our M, for helping her grow, giving her a good life, and hoped that someday I would be able to forgive her.
Now we are in the process of the formal dissolution of our marriage, and I have been told she is looking to leave open the option for at least eight years of "catastrophic spousal support", whatever that is. This was after promising repeatedly she would not go there.
She is clearly strongly interested by her new OM (brief boyfriend 25 years ago), her lawyer, and her BFF. Cannot wait to see what comes up next.
She is very emotional when we talk. Her letter also suggested mixed feelings. She says this is very hard for her. Yet she seems ready to cut me and everything else (career, home, financial security, all her friends, etc) completely out of her life, drop everything, and start a new life.
To say I am confused is an understatement.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I think you've done a great job of taking the high road and being there for her as best as you can. You've done right things even if you're isn't.
It sounds like she is harboring some ill feelings from years ago. The depression you've spoken of is probablyh aggravating this. This harboring of ill feeling is probably going to eat her up inside until she's able to let go of this baggage.
Originally Posted By: any chance?
To say I am confused is an understatement.
If you're confused, I'm sure she's REALLY confused.
AC, I feel for you. She sounds really, really confused. You have done all that could be asked of you, and way more than most would have done.
Does anyone on here know what Catastrophic Spouse Support is?
Detachment for you is going to be key, and it sounds like you are on the right road, your attitude seems more confident. Is the OM pushing for a resolution between you two? Meaning, do you believe that he is influencing her decision to be more aggressive in what she wants? As most of the evidence on this board shows, rebound relationships (like this OM) generally do not work out. My thoughts are that you continue on with your life, develop some good relationships with both males and females, and let her come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, you are worth having in her life. Only time will tell. Keep me posted buddy!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
No question my STBX is strongly influenced by the OM. This is a classic rebound...she has been plotting a new life with him for a number of months, if not longer. From an outside perspective, this is a train wreck in the making, but I am powerless to help her.
Right now all I can do is provide whatever support she will let me, and let the D move forward. I am trying to avoid getting hit with major spousal support, which she said she would not go for, but, in the mind of the aggrieved WAW, who knows what will happen.
I am curious as to whether she will ever look back, or just wants the papers signed so she can move forward and leave our R behind as a bad memory. So sad, when the vast majority of our R is good memories.
It is 2012. Time to move forward and not continue to be mired in the muck. She is on her own, and I just need to get out of the way.
Hope the new year is treating all of you well. Going to be a good year!!!
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon with some old mutual friends. Not a word about my W or our impending D. It is as if all our friends think my W died. Her name is not spoken.
Very weird, but I guess they are being respectful of me. Just hate to make my friends feel awkward.
I hate this whole deal. Suppose we all do.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Lots of time to think today. Complete waffling from "this is over, get the D done and move on", to "keep the way home paved smooth, and leave the door open a crack"
I guess one side of this internal argument needs to win at some point. I am finding it hard to believe that the rejection and wrongful treatment I am feeling is going to dissipate anytime soon. As the legal battles loom, I simply cannot believe that I may need to do battle with this woman I have been in love with, and still am, for years. How wrong can this be?
Am also struggling with the fact I have been replaced by the OM on the rebound, and that my STBX simply wants nothing to do with me. How long has she been lying to me over the past few years? Have I just been played, all while I have been taking the high road and supporting her every step of the way?
The internal turmoil just does not seem to stop. Wonder if it ever does.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
It took me along time to even start to feel "normal" again.
Detaching is the quickest way that I know of to stop the turmoil.
Having said that, detaching takes time, and for me going dim really helped the process. Because I have D's that was a struggle in itself sometimes. There were days/weeks/months where I fought for every step.
I would tell you that if you've taken the high road and supported her, you were not played. What you did came from the heart. Even if that was her intent, which I truly doubt,(afterall 22 years or even 17 to implement the evil plan, is kinda long don't you think?), you can take pride in the kind of man you are.
