Went to MC. I don't feel like we made a lot of progress, but H talked first and shared his indecision around what he wants to do. He can't decide. He also explained again why he doesn't want to share anything with me about the A. He feels like if he shares specifics...I'll forever be haunted by them. The counselor and I both tried to tell him that I'm already haunted by the unknown, and I would eventually forgive him and move on. I think the MC made some good points about how he thinks we can improve our marriage and we can overcome this...but, we didn't tackle much in terms of our issues. I think that's okay and hopefully made MC less threatening to H.
H spent the last 25 minutes of our hour alone with the MC. He called me right afterwards and said it wasn't that helpful. He just feels like he has a huge, difficult decision to make and he isn't sure that talking is helping him. We talked for about a half hour and I think I did a good job remaining very quiet and calm.
H said maybe we should separate. He doesn't feel like he can give up his A. He'll be too bitter. (Really...let's bring the three of us together and see who is the most bitter???!) We started talking about separation and I said I'll support that. I also said I can't really help with his decision, but I've tried to help throughout this to support him and be there for him. I also believe in our family and our marriage. That seemed to give H some pause and make him a little sad.
H seemed quiet and more sad than usual at the end of our conversation (granted, over the phone so hard to tell...although sometimes I think we do better over the phone). I felt like it was a small victory that he didn't say anything too defensive or crazy, and he seemed somewhat emotional.
I did point out the challenge he has in comparing his "old" wife of 12 years to a new affair. H still doesn't seem to "get it". He claims that he and the OW have had to deal with reality in their relationship. (I said that was good, but it seems like they'll have more reality at some point when he tells people about the relationship or they meet each other's kids). Excuse me, but how do you have reality when you each have three kids but the kids have NEVER entered into your dating life? H also doesn't know when OW will get divorced. He also said in MC that they haven't talked about a future...although I'm not sure I believe that.
Anyway, we may very well separate...but I feel a sense of calm. I think I feel better knowing he's conflicted and has some sadness. H also is hoping we can still do things as a family and maybe go to counseling once a month while we are separated...I didn't say anything, but I think I'd do counseling but he'd need to have the kids alone to make reality sink in.
H came home just now (had to go back to work after the MC session). We had a family tickle game and H got on top of me and tickled me with the kids. He's now helping to put them to bed. There's some part of him that's trying...I just wish he could see the light before it's too late.
I just really think if you are conflicted....please, give your family a chance?!?
Thanks all for your support.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
