WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

You have some really good people posting to you and you choose to dismiss them because you either don't like what they are saying to you or because the specifics of each situation are different.

I will also say this Cat... there are times I don't follow guidance for a variety of reasons... they are varied...

At times they go against my own values. That's my problem and I readily admit that, but my values are what they are.

At times they have gone directly opposite of what my DB coach has said to do.

At times the suggestions you get are opposed to one another. There are some who advocate a more aggressive stance... others who advocate a more passive. You follow suggestion A and get beat up by person B. And then the reverse happens. Quite frankly it gets a little crazy, among the craziness that already exists.

And yes those sound like excuses, but I suppose they are. I have noticed very few folks who are willing to push back against posters. I am not one of those. I am not perfect but I also believe in myself and my understandings to some degree. My gut told me that having the discussion with my w in a public place, one more time, about telling the kids was going to go badly. But I did it because I am desperate. I am willing to try anything that someone thinks might help. Oldtimer has posted frequently and I have pushed back a few times. Lord knows what I've been doing hasn't worked, so I tried something else. Well... that blew up too.

And this isn't to blame Oldtimer or say that I fault the advice. What I was doing absolutely wasn't working. So if what you're doing doesn't work then do something different, right? Well, that worked worse than the other things I was doing. Or maybe it didn't work worse... hell, I don't know. I view the fact that she got emotional, angry, and aggressive as bad. But is it bad? My brain is programmed to tell me it's bad because if my W is mad I've failed. But maybe her knowing where I stand and that I'm trying to protect the kids has some value.

During the argument she did accuse me of trying to talk her out of divorcing me. I don't understand that perspective, but clearly that's how she saw it. It did allow me to look at her and say (though it's been said before) "I know you are done, I am saying these things out of concern for the kids. I am trying to find a way to do what the counselors have suggested and still meet your need of moving out of our room. I know you do not want to be married and I am not getting in the way of that." Did that have value? Maybe. If it did it made the altercation worth it. If it didn't... well, I tried something different than I've tried before.