WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

"I feel I dug in hard. I pushed and pushed" is not doing something different, nor is it working.

It is doing something different Cat. In the past I never would have pushed against my W on anything. I was a doormat and did anything and everything to please her. She said jump, I said how high. In fact, she didn't have to say jump, I would assume she was going to say jump and would do it anyway. Whether she wanted me to jump or not.

There have been a select number of times since the bomb that I have stood up for myself. I am still picking those battles and my heart is in my throat every time. Why am I terrified of my W's disapproval, even now? Well, that's one of the things I'm trying to tackle through counseling.

It may be time to actually stop trying to control things, to stop trying to manipulate your W into doing things your way (whether the end result is one that you like or not) and start trying to find ways to see things in a more positive light.

Generalities are great, but could you provide a specific example? I am genuinely am not seeing where I am manipulating my W to do much of anything. I am not stopping the D, I have not dug in against it, I don't track what she's doing or much care anymore, we've put together a debt retirement plan to put us both on the best footing we can be... what am I manipulating her to do? I honest to god do not see it.

Besides remaining controlling, condescending, and superior in your thinking.

Again... please, how am I controlling my W? Condescending and superior I will readily admit to. They are things I am trying to work on. To stop being so judgmental of people, including my W. It is a work in progress. But I cannot see where I am controlling anything she does. If she wants to go to her friends house, she goes. if she wants to go out, she goes. If she wants to ask me about divorce issues she does and I respond. I she wants to talk child custody issues she does and I respond. This isn't to say that she doesn't bear house duties... we both do. When I go out she is with the kids and vice versa. I am at a loss on how I am controlling a single, damn thing she does.