Abusive - situation out of control.

[antlers]

The simplest definition of emotionally abusive behavior is anything that intentionally hurts the feelings of another person. Since almost everyone in intimate relationships does that at some time or other in the heat of an argument, emotionally abusive behavior must be distinguished from an emotionally abusive relationship, which is more than the sum of emotionally abusive behaviors.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, one party systematically controls the other by:
•Undermining his or her confidence, worthiness, growth, or trust
•Manipulating him/her with shame or fear.


In many ways, emotional abuse is more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. There are a couple of reasons for this. Even in the most violent families, the incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity, but not genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, "Never mind the damn flowers, just stop hitting me!") Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day. The effects are more harmful because they're so frequent.

The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think it's your problem. Emotional abuse seems more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit. It makes love hurt.

The book that was suggested to you will help. The body of knowledge from which the book was composed will help.

[25yearsmlc]

Herb

I am sorry to see you here again in pretty much the same state as before.

So your question about how to get someone to trust you or what to say after you say you're sorry is

NOT A WORD...just DO things differently. You can SAY all the words you want but if you go right back and do the same things again

what's the point of all this pretense?

I mean I don't get it. You sound like you are an out of control bully who comes here with his tail between his legs and asks "how can I be nicer?"

like this is a mystery. Just stop bullying her.

Get some real help MEDICALLY b/c the anger management did NOT do it.

I'm a veteran and so are you. Okay so get the VA to help you out, and stop ignoring that request, please.

You may well need meds and intense therapy AND there is no shame in that, especially compared to what the alternative is...

So now, go get it.

I think rehashing the past is counter productive.. You feel you did a terrible thing. Okay...let it go. Or do something productive about it.

I know a man who ran over and killed a person when he was driving drunk 25 years ago...what should he have done after taking a life, killed himself? Marry a woman and abuse her?

He volunteers to speak at MADD gatherings a few times a year. It is all he can do about the past NOW, and he served the sentence he got long ago. He also married and became a father.

He is a good father to his children and a good h to his wife and he can celebrate the family life he has created TODAY...and be at peace that he has been forgiven by his God, and there is simply no constructive purpose in his wallowing in his past.

You are wallowing instead of changing. Why? What's in it for you?


What kind of absolution do you want here?

I asked before -- How about finding the daughter and telling HER you are sorry?? If not, then let it go.

To me, Those are your only options w/that.

What is it that you want? Be specific. No general "want to be happy"...

what does that look like?

Something in you is sabotaging your marriage but then you come here again and again after repeating the same actions/behaviors.

You MUST get your physical problems addressed to rule out any other condition that affects your mood b/c you sound as if you have a mood disorder & some odd Personality issues which btw are treatable!

but it's not something to ignore, which I think you realize.

correct???

[HerbGarden]

Hello and thank you for your advice.

I am finding that saying less is working, but I must admit that it's a challenge not to fall into old habits by asking "what's wrong".

I'll look into the medical issues and trying to reach my daughter. I would really like to let her know how sorry I am.

My W is really trying and I can only imagine how hard this is for her. I admit that my pity party needs to stop.

Thanks again.

[HerbGarden]

Thank you

I'm going to the bookstore tomorrow to find that book.

[HerbGarden]

Thank you

My upbringing was pretty normal although my Father was distant and sensitive issues were never raised during family discussions...or ever for that matter.

I've been angry and emotionally abusive for a long time which has done nothing to improve my life or make my W feel safe in this relationship.

Thank you for the support and I hope your situation improves.

[HerbGarden]

I find it hard to post because I don’t really know what to say. My W says it shows that I’m not really into fixing our M, which I know is not the case. I simply have a hard time finding something to write w/o sounding like a broken record. I acknowledge that I’m the one with the issues, and it’s not my plan to bash my W just to put words on paper. It would be unfair to bash my W because she’s the rationale one in this equation.

I’ve created this situation by being emotionally abusive and by asking for a divorce each time we have a fight, or by saying “why are we doing this” every time we argue. One of my big issues is trying to stay on topic when we argue. I often think my W says one thing, when in actuality she really meant another. Our discussions often escalate into arguments because I raise my voice or because I get passive aggressive and stray off topic.

Yesterday, my W and I were discussing an in-house separation which turned into divorce talk. My W wanted to know if I would ensure she was adequately provided for should we divorce. Instead of saying I would provide what I could to ensure her safety, I went off on a tangent about the various factors/situations that might effect how much support I could provide. I was being mean and cold and missed the point entirely. In the end my W asked me to leave. I actually left the house only to return about three times before getting up enough guts to finally check into a hotel.

I wasn’t pleased about what I’d done and about how my W was suffering. I was pretty sure that this was the beginning of me having to look for an apartment. My W was worried about me and contacted me via e-mail to make sure that I wasn’t going to do something extreme; I told her I was okay, all things considered. Throughout the evening we exchanged a few e-mails.

A few hours had passed when my W asked me to come home after feeling the presence of a man in the area of our kitchen; not sure what that was about, although I will say my W is highly intuitive. 15 minutes later, I was back at home; thank god.

I’m thankful that my W is still engaged. It’s getting late, so I’ll write more tomorrow.

Thank you.